James Struggles

Bad Mood

2011-07-28T17:02:00.001-04:00

All day, I've been struggling to get out of a funk. I have had a short temper. I yelled at inanimate objects. I punished myself all day for everything I've ever done wrong. Slowly, I am becoming happy again.

I woke up in such a foul mood. I tried all the ujsual pre-work things: jog, breakfast, hot shower, even masturbation. None of them helped in the least. In fact, each seemed to push me deeper into anger.

Finally, my anger set its sight on me. Psychologists call this depression. I was so focused on this, I didn't recognize it happening. After hours of self-deprecation, I asked myself a simple question...

What are 3 good things happening right now in my life?

Once I answered this question, I felt ten times better! My answers were: the angel sent from heaven that is my boyfriend, earning a paycheck after 2 years of unemployment, and my 83 days of not smoking cigarettes. All 3 are huge mood lifters!

The more I focus on these three things, the happier I become and the less judgemental I get about everything.

Holiday

2011-05-30T08:11:00.000-04:00

It's a holiday weekend and guess what? I've got 3 days off in a row. The best part of all of this is my boyfriend has to work every day! I have greatly enjoyed our Saturday hikes recently and am slightly perturbed that we are not doing anything much this weekend.

On top of that, he is working with this bitch that just brings everyone down. That negativity comes home to me and puts up stupid un-needed barriers between us. It took over 4 hours for us to settle last night. The residue is still there this morning :(

I thought about going up there and telling him to chill out because all of his energy is affecting everyone there and everyone they come into contact with for at least a few hours. I didn't out of respect for my boyfriend, but I am not going to put up with this much longer...nor is my boyfriend.

It makes me think about Oprah's final show. One thing that really hit home with me was the quote "You are responsible for the energy you bring into this space." The bitch is not following this rule, but I am certain that he does not know how to be happy and send out good energy in the first place.

At any rate, I'm not sure how I am going to resolve this issue. I want my boyfriend to just quit, but I'm not going to ask him to do that. I want to get this bitch to be happy, but I'm not sure what's wrong with him in the first place. I want to get the bitch to not work there anymore, fired or quit both fit the bill.

Deep down, what I really want is for my boyfriend to be in a good mood when he comes home. It is difficult to let all the stress and thoughts of work go. Many days, I can dissipate the negative on my 30-45 minute mainly interstate commute. My boyfriend's commute is only 10 minutes and all surface streets, so it is probably difficult for him to cast away all the crap.

I pray that a solution is found and found quickly, because our relationship needs an injection of happiness from both of us. I'm not sure when that's gonna happen :(

Motherly Resentment

2011-03-02T01:11:00.000-05:00

Today I remembered that my mother told me when I was young a gay man is a man who has a wife and children and then leaves them. Instantly the thought buried itself again, but it was too late. Parts of my consciousness had become aware of this fact and gears began to turn.

This was right about the same time I keep tracing certain things back to. A time when I attributed my brother's failure in college to my success in computers. A time when the isolation started. A time when straight As when to Bs & Cs & Fs. The first time when I dated a girl...OMG! Yes, a time when I stopped being myself.

I allowed, probably even wanted, my mother's definitions to define me. When I told her that, I may have wanted to know her reaction to me coming out to her and it shoved me way back in the closet. No one can say for certain. All I know now is I do not know myself very well. The more I learn, the less I feel I know.

Today, I realized that I lost out on the last 20+ years of my life because of one thing my mother said to me when I was 8 or 9. I have been acting as if I hold her responsible and I do feel as though she's responsible for all the failing in my life because I was not allowed to be me.

Happy New Years

2010-12-31T21:48:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I was in the bathroom, poised and ready. The knife was in my hand. I had had enough! As I moved the knife over to my wrist, I started shaking. "Do it!" kept coming out of my mouth. And to think, I was happy just 2 weeks ago.

It all started when a small group of us went to the gay bar downtown. We had an awesome time! An old friend from high school was up there, who we all knew. He introduced me to a guy and that's when this suicide snowball started rolling.

We seen each other on 3 occasions since then. The first two times were great, but the third didn't go so well. He was drunk and flirting with all the guys (myself included). Not cool. I got jealous, but don't let it show in a good way and things turned from not good to bad.

Whose fault was it? Both of ours. I should have planted a big wet kiss on him as we said goodbye that night, but I was just too angry to see that's what needed to happen.

On top of that, my best friend left for CO yesterday, a family members house was burglarized Wednesday (uber-scary), and my friend in SC is giving me bad advice all around.

So, I was standing there with the knife perpendicular to my wrist. I could see my blood pressure sky rocket as the veins pulsed. I became almost light-headed, my blood about to boil over with rage. I took a look in the mirror and my rage melted into tears.

At that moment, I realized that I had become exactly what I hated. I was being atrociously selfish. It's gonna be a long, arduous, and sad road, but I'm not giving up.

Fear of Anarchy

2010-12-13T05:38:00.000-05:00

While watching one of my favorite shows, Desperate Housewives, I had a bit of an anxiety attack. There was a riot on Wisteria Ln and it was really chaotic. Thanks to our friend foreshadowing, I consciously knew it was coming, so I was able to keep it minimum.

It reminded me of my first day of kindergarten. Peering through the doorway, I saw pure chaos and begged my mom to take me with her to work. Luckily for mom, my cousin was in the same class. She took my hand and pulled me into the abyss.

Kindergarten was very different from the first school I attended. It was a religious pre-k. Everything was very ordered. I hated it. The problem was the formal curriculum. It was just a repeat of what I already knew.

That first day of kindergarten, I figured if the school where everyone was sitting and orderly didn't teach me anything how could the opposite teach me?

I wasn't seeing the whole situation. I only saw the chaos. I didn't see the smiles on these kids faces. Obviously, it wasn't too chaotic for my mom to leave me there. Plus, I did have a good time once my anxiety passed.

Sleeping with the ex- ... again

2010-08-31T15:29:00.000-04:00

The ex-girlfriend I slept with in December, who I'll refer to a E, has grown to be my friend once again. I thought for sure once E had moved an hour away she'd be somewhat out of my hair, but I was so wrong. Recently E came down for a visit, invited one of her buddies over and before I knew it, E was finger-cuffed.

Being bisexual, the addition of another guy really turns me on, even if I can only look. E knew this from the start and that's why she invited the other guy to come over. I don't hold it against her, because I did have a good time. Needless to say, this has happened again and again.

From these activities, I have netted some alone time with two guys and have other prospects. I think for most guys it's about getting past the need to define sexuality. Seeing another guy naked and sharing a women with him are excellent at breaking down that barrier. I'm quite surprised I hadn't thought of this earlier.

The Procrastinating Rebel

2010-07-03T02:48:00.000-04:00

A couple weeks ago, I read that procrastination is a form of rebellion by way of avoidance. I was shocked at this! My brain was buzzing with activity. Eventually I got to the thought, 'I must harbor some resentment, anger, contempt, etc. for some one and/or some state and/or some action.' Since then, I have noticed more than a few of my procrastination triggers.
#1 Trigger: My Boss

Every bad boss (so few are good) I've ever had has been horribly ill-equipped to perform my job and don't know how to communicate properly. Either of these attributes make me procrastinate at work.

My favorite job was waiting tables at IHOP. Sure, I smelled of syrup after 10 hours and 2 showers, but my boss was the best. She could do every bit of work in that restaurant from serving to cooking to management stuff to rowdy club crowds. Plus, when it's busy (or dead) it's time to go home already!?!

The simplest solution is to not have a boss, but be my own boss. A better solution is to get into management. The best solution would be to win the lottery, only problem is I don't play.

Distractions vs. Triggers

Triggers cause the procrastination. These shouldn't be confused with a distraction, which is what I call the action performed while procrastinating another action. I've got tons for distractions:

TV
Facebook
Delicious
Slashdot
Food
Cigarettes
Playing with the cat
Driving the car

The list goes on and on. None of these, by themselves, cause procrastination.
When a trigger combines with a distraction, motivation for procrastinating does increase a bit. That means avoiding distractions helps, but only a bit.

Discovering and avoiding triggers is the better way, in my opinion. It's helped me to learn about myself and why I do the things I do. It's a long and arduous journey, but it's definitely worth it.

Flexible Plans

2010-04-01T06:00:00.001-04:00

Every night, before bed, I run through what I have to do the next day. I used to played the whole day out. Wake up at a certain time, exercise at a certain time, eat at certain times. It worked very well, and most days I can get a lot done. When one thing had to be pushed, the whole day was off and I did not get anything done.

The problem was putting it on a time line, so I changed it up. I now visualize myself just doing, and finishing, the different tasks, putting as few time constraints as possible. For instance, I can exercise at any time, but the water bill has to be paid during the day. The ´day´ visuals don´t include the sun or shadows, but does include day time light.

Tasks are ordered by priority in my run through. This prevents my unconscious from automatically assigning a time line. Plus, if I decide to do the visualizations a second time and fall asleep in the middle, only the more important tasks get repeated.

Doing this every night can and will improve your performance. Remember to keep it positive and do not visualize anything bad, i.e. no lines at the store/bank/office. We all do make our own reality. Why not weave some of the fabric of tomorrow, today?

10 Ways to Stay Motivated

2010-03-28T18:26:00.000-04:00

We are all motivated every second we are awake. Motivation to stare at the TV, cook dinner, surf facebook, or even go to bed. Goals require us to hold that motivation. Keeping up that motivation can be somewhat difficult. Here are some ways to stay motivated:

Stay Realistic
This is paramount! Stepping beyond the realm of reality can quickly deflate motivation.
Focus on the End Result
I´m not talking about the goal, but the result of completing that goal. For instance, if your goal is to be debt free, focus on sleeping well at night or all the money you´ll be able to save. If your goal is to loose weight, focus on looking good in that hot bathing suit you saw the other day. Remember that some goals require you to take a few steps back in the beginning.
Focus on the Task at Hand
To quote one of my favorite movies, ¨Don´t feel overwhelmed, just do one thing at a time.¨ Never focus on all the steps you still have left. This will only kill your motivation. Instead, focus on doing the current step to the best of your ability.
Change your Computer Wallpaper
This is super simple and reminds you every time you see your desktop. $100 bills stacked into $10,000 or that hot swimsuit (on a mannequin) are good examples. Remember, stay realistic, i.e. do not photoshop your head on someone else´s body.
Avoid Temptation
Hide anything that could tempt you away from your goal. Put it somewhere you never go and never think about. Even give it away or destroy it all together, if necessary.
Place Clever Reminders
Putting up tons of reminders only makes you look crazy, but having a few that are well placed will keep you looking sane. Anything that may tempt you should have a reminder. Create a sleeve for your bank/credit cards using the picture from #4. Put a sign inside the fridge/pantry/freezer that blocks access to any calorie rich food.
Squash Negative Thoughts
Staying motivated means staying positive. If a negative thought comes to mind, you have to squash it immediately with a positive one, using present tense. Even a generic thought like ¨I´m determined to do this¨ or ¨I´m keeping on¨ will stave off negativity for at least a short bit.
Meditate
This can bring focus to many things, motivation being one. Don´t know how? Read how to meditate.
Pray
God makes everything happen. I think that says it all.
Talk to Family and Friends
Talking about your goal makes is all the more real. Sharing it will others, seeing that look in their eyes that they might want to do the same can set your motivation on fire. Beware of negativity that can put that fire out as quickly as it was ignited.

Call to Action

2010-03-24T19:03:00.000-04:00

I am your classic underachiever: I do the bare bare minimum in everything I do. When I wash dishes, I don't dry them or wipe off the counter afterward. And cleaning the oven, I use the excuse of not having the cleaner. This is how I have lived most of my life, in the shadow of procrastination.

As with anything psychological, the first step is admitting you have a problem. I have prayed almost every day this year for help and God has delivered, as the Lord always does. The Lord has opened my eyes and ignited the desire to do better.

Now comes the hard part ... change. More action. Changes don't happen overnight, but at the same time, progress needs to be made everyday. At least, not taking any steps back if possible. I'm staying off Backstep St at all costs!

Being Gay

2010-03-22T01:35:00.003-04:00

An old lover from high school came for a quick visit a few weeks ago. He was acting quite strange during our lunch. It wasn't until a chat on facebook with him that made me realize he is very scared of being gay.

He's spent the last 12 years of his life being straight and seeing me again stirred up old feelings. Feelings that should have been dealt with years ago. Instead, those feelings have been repressed for so long that now he's started to doubt himself and has lost some of his confidence.

During our chat, he mentioned numerous times that being straight has many benefits. He sees how gay people are excluded on certain levels, how it's an uphill battle, how it's not always easy. All that's true.

What he doesn't realize is that lying to yourself, is excluding a part of yourself. Repressing a desire is not the answer. It will only cause fear and anxiety. I'm not advocating immorality here, but every desire we have must be fulfilled or resolved in some other positive way.

Be Nice!

2010-03-20T17:16:00.002-04:00

My brother is an ass. During cookouts, he sits outside the whole time. He does absolutely no food prep or clean up. Well, today is a cookout. Currently, he's sitting outside, getting drunk while his wife, who has been working since 8 this morning, is still prepping food.

It's the same again and again. He didn't even get up today until 2 pm. Now, it's rush rush rush to get things complete. Things could have been completed this morning, if he had gotten up earlier.

The sad part is that he's gonna end up alone. His clear disregard for the happiness of those around him is gonna back fire on him ... one day. His son will graduate school in just over 2 years and then join the military. Soon after, I foresee his wife leaving too.

We must treat everyone with the proper respect. Every living creature deserves their proper amount. Even I am guilty of this disregard, as I don't try to help, but just sit back. What is one to do in this situation?

Depression

2010-03-11T22:25:00.003-05:00

Well, the job ended. Some things are in the works, but nothing like what it was last month. I've spent the last 2 weeks pretty much on the couch. Until yesterday, I was getting off the couch enough to do the household chores. I just sit and vegetate. I have no desire to go out into the world anymore. It's like I feel disconnected from everyone and everything.

Today, an old lover and I had lunch. After almost a decade, we both felt the fire, but nothing came of it. I came home and laid on the couch for a good 3 hours thinking. In the past, I was always the initiator. Today, like every day for months, I just didn't have the spunk. The old me would have been all over that. A great time would be had by all.

Instead, I choose to sit at home alone. Not having a great time. Hear that damn Cymbalta music constantly in my head! Feeling guilty about the failed day. Knowing I could have owned today. Same day like every other day for months.

Alzheimer's

2010-03-08T23:40:00.002-05:00

I went to sit with Grandma today. I don't go to visit as often as I should, because I can't take seeing her in the state she's in. Complete lucidity doesn't come around for her anymore. She was able to get two complete thought out, "I so mixed up," and, "I'm scared."

Twice, she talked about "a man with a cane." There was no man there, but she seemed to be looking at someone. Could it just be a memory? a hallucination? an angel? God? Maybe it was all of the above.

For the first time, I'm seeing things from her point of view and it is very scary. It breaks my heart to no end. NO END.

The Struggle Continues

2010-02-15T21:23:00.002-05:00

Well, It's been a couple weeks since I posted on here. It feels like forever. The job is going ok. Busy, busy, busy! If anyone wants to kid themselves, feel free to think that your to do list is too long when you're unemployed!

I'm thinking about doing the uber-man again. It has come back around again and again. There are still plenty of hoops to jump through before the switch can happen, like quit smoking. It's not gonna be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. Just takingg it one step at a time.

I even got out of the house and mingled with the drunken public at 3 bars downtown this weekend. A group of us from high school got together. It was great ... me and 4 girls! 4 guys, not counting me, came back to my friend's house with us. Only 1 got laid. I would have taken home a pair of guys, had my dancing not sucked! At least I got up and danced. Everyone had fun.

Employed!

2010-01-28T23:00:00.002-05:00

Well, I got a call back today from that interview I did a month ago. I start tomorrow! Yay! I'm too thrilled. The money's right. The work environment is relaxed. I even know one of my coworkers! It's shaping up nicely.

There's a down side, as there always is. The position is contract, so no overtime or benefits and I'll pay taxes out of pocket. Also, I'll have to supply my own computer for work. (read: bring my laptop to work with me!) Plus, the route I'm currently taking has a lot of road construction.

OK, now for the positives. Contract work means I get 100% of my money! Watch out savings account, b/c daddy's bringing home more than double what unemployment's paying and you're getting the difference + the $25 a week I'm saving now! Money! Money! Money! Moooney! ... Mooonneey!

Did I go a little overboard on that one? Oh, my tax money's gonna gain interest too! Mooonneey! LMAO! House! Roadhouse! (That too.) Sorry, I'm just overjoyed about the job! And if you didn't get that last part, you've missed at least 2 hilarious episodes of Family Guy this season, JSYK!

Back to positives: I can bring some music with me on my laptop! And once the road construction is done, my route will run much smoother and have few red lights :) I love fewer red lights!

PS: Yes, I have been celebrating tonight!

Exercising: Stage 3, Week 1

2010-01-28T00:18:00.003-05:00

I've been exercising on and off for the past 4 months. It's been a battle. The scale never seems to work in my favor. My stomach somehow looks worse when the scale does work in my favor! Why! Oh, Why!

A week ago, I finally realized that getting the muscular body I want is gonna happen in stages. Each stage will have a mini-goal and require me to change one habit, eating or exercising. The first two stage, I've already done:

Stage 1: Begin Exercising
Stage 2: Eat Healthier (2 Fruits & 3 Veggies Daily)

Stage 3: Building Muscle

I'm doing cardio and strength training 6 days a week. My eating habits will stay the same. (read: junk food is still unrestricted) Increasing my meat intake can be beneficial, but I won't worry if I don't. 6 weeks of exercising 6 days a week, starting 1/21. One Week Down!!!

My scale is in the closet. It can be a great de-motivator! Also, I am required to wear at least an A-shirt in front of the mirror. My belly looks worse since I started :( My arms are developing nicely though, so me posing in the mirror with a shirt is an awesome motivator...maybe I'll post y'all a pic.

Stage 4: Melting the Fat

Eating habits are the focus here. An optimal balance of Protein/Carbs/Fat/Salt must be found. Cardio & Strength Training will continue. More on this stage to come.

Stage 5: ?????

This stage, being a whole 2 stages out, I'm not so sure about. Maybe it'll be time to join a gym or get a bowflex? Que cera cera!

Junk Mail

2010-01-26T17:10:00.003-05:00

Today is junk mail day. If you combined it's dimensions down to regular sized paper, you'd get 20 sheets. Now take that and multiply by 20,000 residences. That's 400,000 sheets of paper a week. I am part of the less than one percent who do recycle. That means that 360,000+ sheets of paper wind up in the land fill. Why has no one stopped this?

In the year 2010, we have the internet, we have the telephone, we have the television, we have e-mail, but advertisers still rely on old methodologies that should be strictly banned! Why we still have the mail system is beyond me. Private enterprise has been shipping packages for thousands of years but the postal service has only been around for less than 200!

It was nice to have mail and post offices and things of such a nature and while these ideas will live on at the UPS store and FedEx/Kinkos, customer service will be much better. The entire experience of life will be much better. Imagine no postal carriers out on the road. No more mail boxes. No more muddy puddles in front of where the mail box used to be.

A more beautiful, kinder world. A place where fewer emissions make the air just a bit cleaner. A place where trees aren't massacred to help make someone rich. A place where going postal permanently denotes a bad thing.

Passion

2010-01-25T15:20:00.002-05:00

This weekend, I had a discussion with a 15 year old about their passion in life. He didn't really understand the question, 'What are you passionate about?' After working with him for about 15 minutes, he finally got it.

It can be quite tricky to figure it out. You've got to strip away what everyone else wants for you. On top of that, the answer doesn't come to you in a split second like 1 + 1. The icing on the cake is that you learn about yourself through answering the question. Knowing what you like to do and are highly motivated to do helps give direction.

For me, I am passionate about efficiency. I love to make things simple and easy. That's why I became a computer programmer to help computers simple and easy. It also make me a little OCD, but not in the turn the lock 7 times or wash my hands for 147 times a day kind of way.

Early Morning

2010-01-20T04:26:00.002-05:00

Early morning has just begun
The day began for me at 1
My gaze passing from place to place
The day already too long
Out of the dark silence
2 miles away a train horn blows

A cigarette places itself in my lap
Put it up but my gaze returns
The ashtray alluringly singled out
Sweet nicotine cries the receptors
A third of a cigarette becons
With no release, I break

I start to grieve stopping at anger
Anger can be fuel for motivation
Anger can lead to depression
What is resolve? Can it be found?
Will the Lord allow me to find it?
Will I trust in the Lord to do as He sees fit?

Distractions

2010-01-18T01:27:00.003-05:00

I noticed today, that I have a lot of distractions. I'm watching TV on my computer, as well as playing cafe world. Even as I am typing this up, I've got cafe world running. Both of these are my go to distractions. I've got plenty more.

I have a lack of motivation and focus. Distractions are my worst enemy, but are treated like a welcome friend. Minimizing the distractions doesn't help either. That only makes it worse.

Embracing the distractions, on the other hand, will guilt me into doing what I need to do. For instance, if I get into the TV show, my mind says, "Wait! Don't you have something else to do?" Suddenly, the situation is reversed and the chore becomes the distraction.

Here is a partial list of all my distractions:

TV
Movie
Cigarette
Cafe World
Surfing the Web
Driving Around
Nap
Making Coffee
Playing any strategy/puzzle game
Making Myself Happy (If you catch my drift)

Chantix Round 3

2010-01-15T21:00:00.003-05:00

They say the third time is the charm. I hope it's right. I'm quitting smoking with Chantix for the third time. I've got enough for 3 weeks. I'm starting Sunday. That means my quit date is Sunday next weekend.

I wish I had more. It may or may not be enough. I did have a prescription for it and I may use some of my savings to get another 4 weeks worth. I know it'll cost me, but it's worth it, if I can shave $3.30 1/2 off my daily expenses.

Next week is prep week. I am to only smoke half a cigarette at a time, outside. If I'm feeling somewhat depressed, I'll smoke in only my boxers.

Motivation

2010-01-14T04:39:00.004-05:00

I've whittled down my to do list to a minimum and I'm back in the same rut. I've got a 8 task from yesterday and 3 are 2 days overdue(the restart day). These tasks are quite simple, mainly just requiring me to physically perform an action. Hardly any mental effort goes into them.

This lack of mental effort is part of what is holding me back. Music is a cheerful distraction and it is a daily task on my cleaning project.

Getting up off the couch can sometimes be a challenge. I'll sit on the couch until my hips or back aches. I've got my netbook on a TV tray right here in front of the couch. Plus, the couch is my bed, so most of my time is spent on the couch.

Well, I'm off to sleep. My schedule is jacked up again. This is the first night I've been up after 2 in a while though. I think I can correct it by waking up in 6 hours.

Night Night Interwebs. lol

I'm back!

2010-01-12T18:42:00.002-05:00

Each month, I go on a cycle. I get big hopes the first of the month. Those hopes sour when I cannot find motivation to complete the first week. Somewhere in the second week, I get up and start to dust myself off. I get back on track for all but the last 2-5 days of the month. The cycle repeats over and over and over.

Today, I dusted myself off. I'm so tired of this cycle. I've got to bust out next month. Even if I relapse in March, I pushed through Feb! That's something, isn't it? This month was especially bad due to a new year starting. It's like doubling the cycld.

Well, I'm not going to make big goals anymore. It's small, attainable, progressing goals that will lead me to where I want to be. I've revamped my to do list. I now have only 6 projects and will not let the number of tasks be more than 20 for any given day. I may add another project, but just one.

The Interview Pt 2

2010-01-06T13:08:00.002-05:00

The interview went well this morning. I showed up a minute late, but one of my interviewers hadn't arrived yet. Once he was in, we got started. It went fairly well, for everyone.

For the first time, I actually felt like I was at a two-sided interview. They were telling me about their business and asked questions of me. It was a very pleasant experience.

I was nervous, don't get me wrong. It did keep me on my toes, but having 2 people interview me at the same time was a touch confusing. I think that was a test of my multi-tasking skills, and I was able to keep pace and not let my confusion show.

Once again, it ended on the "We'll get back with you." All in all, it was promising. The pay is good. The hours are good. The people are nice. The atmosphere is relaxed.

I really hope I get the job. It would be an awesome beginning to a brand new decade!

The Interview

2010-01-05T18:54:00.002-05:00

I've got an interview tomorrow morning. It's kind of scary. It's just nerves. I waited all day yesterday in anticipation of going up there this morning, but they called to reschedule.

I still have to wash & dry a shirt to wear; everything else is set to go. I've got this nice wool coat I bought late fall '08 to wear. It is uber-warm and I look fabulous in it. Even got my listerine spray in the car, so I can smoke on my way over there.

I usually do well on interviews. I'm always nervous, but nervousness can help in critical situations like that, so long as you don't let it control you. That rush of adrenaline keeps me alert and on task.

I love when they present real world problems, so I can showcase the speed and thoroughness of my problem solving skills. That's my best asset. I can't stand those open ended questions like, 'If you were an animal, what would you be?' My brain doesn't process stuff like that quickly.

I hope they pay well. If they don't, I'm still taking the job, but will "continue actively seeking employment". I'll decide when to tell them that if I ever need to cross that bridge. OK, I think that's all the bases.

At any rate, I'm sure I'll do well and get the job, but keep your fingers cross for me, just in case. I'll post what happened as soon as I get a chance, probably by noon.

Welcome 2010!

2010-01-01T12:47:00.003-05:00

I've completely reworked my todo list for the new year. I've got a total of 13 goals for this year. If I accomplish half of them, I'll be in a far better position for '11. The usual suspects are on the list: diet, exercise, savings, zero debt, making more money, and reading. My more personal goals are: remaking my wardrobe, taking back up french, learning more songs on guitar, and "stretching" a certain part of my anatomy to add another inch to it (Yes, if done properly, this does work and adds an inch over a year).

Today, I had 26 things to do and am down to 19 already. I am making use of my new dryer that I got as a belated Christmas present. Well, I will be using it in another 30 minutes when the washers done.

I did have no smoking on my to do list, but I was bad and have had 2 cigarettes since midnight. I didn't destroy my cigarettes from last night and still have 1 left. The urge is much easier to resist if I actually have to take a shower, get dressed and go to the store, so I'll try again once I finish this last cigarette.

Goodbye 2009!

2009-12-31T14:13:00.003-05:00

What a year it's been! I've lost my job, my boyfriend, my self. It hasn't been the best year on record, but it hasn't been the worst either. To me, next year holds the promise of a brighter future.

This year has shaped me considerably. I've rediscovered things I had forgotten. God is on the top of that list. I used some of the time of get to know myself again. Not to mention loosing 15 pounds over the year!

Next year, the goals are coming! I've got 11 goals for the year, to better 3 main areas: Finances, Sexiness, & Learning. I've been working in those areas for the past few months and made some progress, but much more progress, about 6-8 months, is required to get to a level where I am satisfied.

Update on the sleeping schedule: Since I stopped drinking caffeine after 7p, I'm in bed by midnight and up by 8. It's nice to have the mornings back, even if I do just piddle around...

Sleeping with the ex-

2009-12-29T16:22:00.002-05:00

Last night, I was hanging out with my ex-girlfriend. We had some drinks and before I knew it, I was doing something I thought I was sure to regret. Once I realized what a bad idea it was, I jumped off of her, flinged the condom off, zipped up my pants, and barfed in the bathroom.

Afterward, I am actually ok with what happened. I don't harbor any ill feelings about her or what happened last night. We are both quite sexual and she is willing to do some things that I've been wanting to try, involving a woman and another man.

Now, I try not to label myself, but if you must classify me: I'm a 5 on the Kinsey Scale. That basically means I love men, but I'll sleep with a woman. I've found that most people aren't gay or straight, but somewhere in the middle. If you have a problem with that, you need to have a conversation with your sexual unconscious.

Compromising with Yourself

2009-12-27T17:34:00.002-05:00

I've let myself slip on what I am supposed to be doing. Getting back on track is somewhat difficult. I'd rather be doing 20 other things than what I have to do. I am trying my best to get back on track and it's working. I've even decided to compromise with myself on some key issues.

Firstly, from the time I wake up until 7p, I can have as much caffeine as I want. After 7p, I can't have any! This will not only help me sleep at night, but help me get up in the mornings! While this time is not set in stone, repercussions will be lack of quality sleep.

Secondly, I love White Cheddar Popcorn. I usually buy 2-3 of the $2.99 bags a week. I'll sit and eat the whole bag at one sitting if I don't get it often. My compromise is to buy/eat a $0.99 bags a day, 3 days a week. That will cut the amount of salt, and possibly calories, in my diet. I hate being bloated the day after scarfing down a big bag of this stuff!

Thirdly, I will smoke outside when it's day and in the kitchen w/ the exhaust fan on when it's night. Keeping the air semi-clean in the house is important, especially in the polluted place I live. Not only for me, but for my cat, who hates cigarette smoke! As a bonus: I'll sleep better at night not breathing in the smoke.

Lastly, I can only have some store bought candy if I walk to the store. On top of that, I can only buy 1 regular-sized piece per walking visit. If I slip on this one, I'll have to walk an extra 30 minutes as part of my exercise. The store is only 5 minutes away by foot, so I'd make out better walking to the store.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-26T16:23:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas Everyone! OK, I'm a little late, and I have no defense what-so-ever. My Christmas was great! I got zip from Dad, except an unpaid delivery job of a present for someone else. Not that I really deserve a present from him, but he could have at least given me a card.

I got the standard gifts from Mom: socks, underwear, etc. It wasn't much, but I took home plenty of leftovers and gained 3 pounds over the last few days. Some of that is water weight b/c of some salty, but good, food.

All in all, this year's gifts to me sucked. I am glad I was able to give the youngest member of the extended family some cash, made his day. He thanked me at least 4 times, his smile making me smile every time.

Early Christmas Present

2009-12-24T06:27:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas!

I got an early present from Santa this year, a night's sleep. I slept from 11p to 5:30a. It was wonderful to sleep at night. I can't wait to see what else Santa got me. Yes, I am 29 and my Mom still insists on writing 'From: Santa' on presents. I'll be heading over there this evening.

I got all my shopping done yesterday at K-Mart. Only 1 person is younger than me, my nephew, so he gets the most. Everyone else is limited to $6 presents. I kinda feel like Scrooge. It's hard when I want to get everyone good gifts, but I'm on unemployment. At least I'm able to give my nephew some cash.

Luckily, I don't have to worry about food for the next week. I did my grocery shopping too and my fridge is almost slap full and will be when I get back from Mom's house. She and my aunt always cook too much, but we always get plastic food containers as presents.

Well, I've been a major slacker the last 2 days on my list. I've done the "must do" items but everything else has been pushed back. I reset most everything that was overdue so that it's not overdue anymore. Guilt is setting in on that, but I'm not gonna let it get to me, because it's Christmas and I need to learn to forgive my own short comings. Jesus would want it that way.

Doing Homework

2009-12-22T20:32:00.002-05:00

After researching the uberman sleep schedule more, I have come to the conclusion that quitting smoking will make the sleep schedule more difficult. On top of that, I love my caffeine, but I can still have a bit of caffeine on the schedule.

Fully researching something will either motivate you or kill the idea. You should always know what you're getting into. Whether it's buying a computer or investing your money, understanding the majority of the layman information can greatly improve your decisions.

Making blind decisions can turn from good to bad in a heart beat. Even with religion, I don't believe blindly. I know, from experience, that God, and the devil, and angels for that matter, do exist. For instance, when I was quitting smoking, it helped greatly to ask and receive a hug from Jesus. The calming sensation is definitely out of this world.

Alcohol, Sleep, & Christmas

2009-12-22T02:21:00.003-05:00

Ahh. An evening of drinks after I woke up at 5p. It was Diet Pepsi and Captain Morgan's. Now that I have slacked during the first 9 hours of my day it's time to get moving. I must correct my sleep schedule in order to get back to being on top of things.

I'd like to switch to the uberman schedule, but that won't happen this week, as I am supposed to be at my Mom's for Christmas and I can't be sleep deprived. I'm gonna try to pull it back so that I am awake by 2p on Thursday.

I'm such a procrastinator. Here is it 3 days until Christmas and I have yet to do a single bit of shopping. I always wait until the last minute, and every year I say I will have 90% done my 12/1 next year. At least I have most everyone's present figured out. Maybe I'll run up to Walmart early Wednesday morning?

It's All Too Easy Today

2009-12-20T19:09:00.002-05:00

After yesterday's slacking, it's all going quite easily today. I was able to get up at 12:30 and enjoy half of the day. Almost everything's done for the day and I'm gonna start on tomorrow's list in just a bit.

I believe I've hit the point in my natural cycle where I am active again. In another month or two, I'll be down again for a couple weeks. Life's like that: a cycle of ups and downs.

Like Meatloaf said, "Some days it don't come easy. Some days it dont come hard." Someone else once said, we need the bad times so we can appreciate the good. I'm gonna keep these quotes with me on my good days, and hopefully they'll stick around for the bad as well.

Slack a Day a Week

2009-12-20T01:42:00.002-05:00

Saturday was my slack day. I only had 15 things to do. That's half of what I normally do. I took it to extreme and did only the basics. Now, I play catch up.

I've been doing that a lot, playing catch up. It's mainly because I don't sleep at night. That greatly affects my routine. I usually do my chores late at night. Then, once I wake up, it's time to slack or time to get out of the house.

I really need to do something about my sleep schedule. I have said that many times. I did get some Sprite, which is caffeine free, but I just can't stomach the HFCS after not ingesting it for so long. I'll try the Sprite Zero this week coming up. Caffeine has to be playing some role in my sleep, or lack thereof.

Turn Anger Into Action

2009-12-19T04:29:00.003-05:00

I realized something today while I was slacking off: I am angry with myself. I've been a slacker for a long time. I know where it has gotten me: nowhere! I also know where it will take me: nowhere!

Those 4 thoughts in conjunction lit a fire under my butt. That motivation has lasted. I've been at it for almost 3 hours, with plenty of breaks, and I'm almost done for Friday. I still feel the motivation to finish these final 5 tasks before 5:30a.

This anger with oneself is a double-edged sword though. I once heard that depression is anger with oneself, and I believe it. I went for a visit there today before I deflected the fire of anger to my tasks.

I accomplished this, or maybe my subconscious did it, with by combine those 4 thoughts. Becoming the opposite of the trait I didn't like.

Perhaps it's some sort of defense mechanism kicking in. In the past, when depression struck, I had suicidal thoughts. I could never do it. The mere thought of my cat's stress level after my death would stop me, not to mention any family.

For what ever reason, I'm liking the results, so I guess I'm doing the brain training to continue doing that! I like it!

Motivation Always Comes

2009-12-17T19:29:00.004-05:00

I laid down last night at 11p. I felt sleep coming. I was on the verge of falling asleep when my mind turned right back on. I got up at 11:40p and worked on my to do list. At least I tried to go to sleep. Looking back, I realized that I'd had too much caffeine to go to sleep. On top of that, I had things left on my to do list, so guilt kept cropping up in my brain.

The motivation to lay down last night came out of nowhere. For several weeks, my sleep schedule has been whacked. I've wanted to fix it since the second sleepless night. That lasting desire bubbled up from the lasting sleep schedule problem. Motivation came from that lasting desire. This somewhat explains why I started back smoking.

Today, motivation cropped up again and I've done most of my to do list. I've got maybe 2 hours of stuff left, one being my hour walk. I'm only gonna have one can of soda between now and bed. Maybe, I'll be able to sleep by 1a. Today, I slept from 6a to 3p. I'll try to limit my sleep to 8 hours for tonight. TGTIF!

Cafe World

2009-12-16T03:31:00.002-05:00

OK, so my new vice is this Facebook game Cafe World. I haven't played any game heavily on that site since farm town. They are so time consuming. I could be using my time more constructively.

I'm not sure what's so addicting about these games. Maybe it's figuring out what to cook to level the quickest. The answer, at least for levels less than 10 is Chips & Guacamole. It gives you 5 CP and cooks in 3 minutes, so you're done in 3:45 to 4:00. I'm only level 7 right now, so I haven't tested out the later recipes.

Maybe it's just the click click click-happiness of it all. I do love click-happy games. Especially time-based, click-queued games. The kind where you can tell the avatar to do 20 things in a specific order and they do it, all while beating a time-bonus clock.

Another Sleepless Night

2009-12-15T22:22:00.002-05:00

I went to bed at 4a again. I set my alarm but forgot to setup the coffee, so I turned off the alarm and slept to 3p. Now, there is no chance of me sleeping tonight.

I've spent the last 3 hours doing my chores. I'm almost done, down to 4: drawing, teeth, journal, and imagining tomorrow. I can't tell you how much imagining tomorrow helps. It sets me up for success! I guess I'll get a jump start on tomorrow's list tonight.

I added drawing to my daily activities. I'm trying to be more creative. Yesterday was the third day doing it and I drew a pencil in pencil. It looked ok, for a beginner. I learned a bit more about shading with a pencil, which can be somewhat difficult. When shading the pencil, I didn't put the shading darkest right underneath the pencil, but straddled it on the line of the pencil...ooops!

Motivator for Exercise

2009-12-14T21:04:00.002-05:00

I just did my 60 minute walk around the couch and my upper body strength training. I feel awesome. Partly due to my shadow while I was doing my tricep curls. It looked hot! Classic V-shape torso with arms with more muscle than fat.

Of course, I am only somewhat near where I want to be. Plus, getting up and doing it was a whole issue. Sometimes, you just need to light a fire under your own butt. Seeing that shadow will be a welcome motivator to keep up the exercise though.

Sometimes, motivation comes in the strangest forms. It was somewhat warm in my house this evening, so I decided to take off my shirt. That's something I rarely do. If I had kept my shirt on, I wouldn't have seen my shadow.

What's your motivation?

Sleep & Slackin

2009-12-13T17:12:00.002-05:00

Another sleepless night. I finally fell asleep about 6a and slept until 2:30p. What are my options?

Switch to uberman sleep schedule
Only sleep for 6 hours a night and force myself to stay awake until at least 11p.
Stay up all night and all day and sleep at 11p and up by 7a.

All of these options require me to stay on top of my sleep schedule for the next 7-10 days. I would really like to switch to the uberman, but as previously stated, I'd have to give up caffeine.

I could switch from Diet Pepsi to Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi. Yuck! Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit. Sprite was a fav of mine a few years ago. No caffeine there! Maybe.

Anyways, Mr. Slacker has followed me from yesterday into today. I only had 25 things to do and did 5 early this morning. I'm now down to 12, but I did bump a few. I guess I'm a big slacker on Saturday and Sunday is getting back into the groove. lol.

Saturday is Officially My Fun Day

2009-12-13T01:42:00.002-05:00

Well, I did finish almost everything from yesterday's to do list before bed. I even went to bed at 3 and I was up by 11. I set my alarm for 9, but didn't setup the coffee. I have slacked most of the day. I need to get up earlier on Saturday to be productive.

Luckily, I've setup my to do list, so almost everything is setup daily. Some tasks are A, B and C tasks. These have 3 different things. For instance, one of my cleaning tasks is: A=>Laundry, B=>Sort or Place Stuff, C=>Computer Files. My A days are MWF, and C days are Sunday, with B taking up the rest.

That was how it was setup. I'm gonna make one small change:No Saturday Task for ABCs. That'll tame down my Saturday. I only had to change one task, which was the other cleanup task. I had notated that B days were Bathroom, Kitchen, & Car rotating through the B days. I just moved the Car to the Sunday (C) rotation.

Total Number of tasks skipped on Saturday now is 10!

PS: I'm a linux geek too, so I use {Bathroom,Kitchen} notation.

Cleaning the Kitchen

2009-12-11T21:58:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I spoke too soon on here. I wound up goofing off the rest of the day. I didn't want to clean the kitchen and it didn't get done yesterday. I had 3 tasks that didn't get done yesterday and I rolled them into today. I was able to force myself to clean the kitchen.

I am much happier now that I don't have that looming over my head. The kitchen being clean is a bonus right now, but I will be overjoyed about it when I go to cook something. Having a clean bathroom didn't matter much either, until I took a shower!

Now, if I could get my sleep schedule under control. I slept from 7am to 4pm today. Maybe that's a sign that I should switch to the uberman schedule, but I'd have to give up soda and I'm not willing to do that just yet. One way or another, I've got to work on the sleep schedule, but first I've got to get these 9 other things done.

Job Search

2009-12-10T15:30:00.003-05:00

I've been doing pretty good the last few days. I have been exercising and cleaning and working toward my goals. I can't believe how well things are going for me. Now, if I could just get an IT job, I'd be happy.

If you didn't already know, I am unemployed. I have been seeking another job since April 27. If any of you know of a job, I would be very happy to hear from you. My last job was a programmer at a newspaper. My main problem with that job was that it wasn't challenging at all.

Today, I applied for a job I would love to get, but probably won't. It's a small startup looking for a director of engineering - IT/Security. Having run my own business before, I understand all the ins and outs. The only problem is that I don't have the experience, but I know I'd be perfect for the position.

The job search is going slow. How can we move forward without any tech jobs? Sure, improving out highways gives the manual labor people something to do, but what about all the tech jobs? Especially in the south. Sure, I could move out west or up north, but I'd rather stay in the south.

Everything's done!

2009-12-09T01:29:00.003-05:00

Wow! I did everything on my to do list before midnight! I was kind of surprised. I even cleaned the bathroom. It is so clean. Now I can have the Queen Mother over for tea and crumpets. LMAO!

Today was a big first step for me. I have been slacking for the last few weeks. Getting back into doing my chores and working towards my goals is wonderful. I'm not out of the woods by any stretch. A relapse is only a motivation free day away.

On the days where the motivation doesn't come, I just need to get up and do something. If I can muster up the motivation to get the ball rolling, then I'll chug right along for an hour or two easy. I'm sure everyone's like that to some degree.

Well, here's to getting stuff done!

Lazy Day

2009-12-08T17:32:00.002-05:00

Today has been a lazy day. I woke up at noon from a nice 8 hour sleep. I haven't done much of anything, but somehow things are getting done.. I am no looking forward to cleaning the bathroom, but boy does it need it. It is filthy!

It's just hard for me to get motivated today. Maybe it's the rain. Maybe it's the waking up at noon. Possibly it's me not eating breakfast when I get up at noon. At least some things are getting done.

Well, I'm off to drink an energy drink. We'll see if it gives me the energy to knock out the bathroom.

Meeting Yourself in a Dream

2009-12-07T16:36:00.003-05:00

My sleep schedule is completely out of whack. I don't know which way is up and feel like my life has been fragmented into small time blocks. I slept for 4 hours at 8:30p last night and another 4 from 8a this morning. It has been messing with my dreams too.

I had a dream last night about meeting parts of me. It was a somewhat small room and there were 5 or 6 of me, including myself. There was a muscle me. He was HOT! There was the creative uber-gay me. There was a wealthy me. Distinguished in an old fashioned way with a pipe. I don't remember who else was there. It was pretty cool. I was able to ask them questions and learn a little about myself.

This morning, the dream somewhat repeated. Instead of a small room, I was on stage at a large theater. Every seat filled with a different me. Every desire and desire personified as yours truly. I asked the man behind the curtain if I could speak with the ones I spoke with before. He explained that they are fragmented in the audience, and then they appeared, vacating more seats than they could currently occupy.

As I scanned the audience, I noticed a very fat James sitting in the front row chowing down on white cheddar popcorn, my favorite snack. Without thinking, I reached behind me to grab a gun tucked into my pants and shot him. He dropped to the floor, dead.

The man behind the curtain said 'You can't kill anyone here.' He spoke of exile, but recurrent escapes will happen. When I exiled him, several James' with broad shoulders dragged him out, still unconscious. Again, I was able to ask questions.

Someone pointed out that there were black ghosts in the theater. Knowing this was a dream, I pulled out some special glasses and put them on. These removed the dark ghosts from view. Then, every James put on a pair simultaneously.

I guess this dream is fairly straight forward. The man behind the curtain is my subconscious, who whispers to me while I am on stage. Yes, I am gay, for anyone who was wondering.

Sleep Schedule Hell

2009-12-07T03:21:00.002-05:00

Well, I made the mistake of lying down at 8:30. I thought, 'Maybe I'll sleep through the night and get up at 5:30 or 6.' Boy was I wrong. I slept 4 hours to half past midnight. Ugh! I will have to do a day of observation, then reschedule out my goal.

I get so angry at myself sometimes for not working towards my goals. I try not to be too hard on myself. Things could be a lot better if I applied myself more, but I think I like being down here in under-achiever town. No one really expects much.

The world keeps turning, everyone satisfied with life enough not to do anything to change it. People aren't really afraid of change. It's the risk of that change bringing something large and negative to the table.

Sleep Update

2009-12-06T13:00:00.002-05:00

Well, for the past 2 nights, I've gotten about 6 hours of sleep. I didn't want to get up this morning at all. The smell of coffee was the only driving force for me to get out of bed. I've got to set that up again tonight!

I was up by 9:30 this morning. I'm only 2 and a half hours from my goal of 7. Another few nights and I will have accomplished that. Today feels like a good day. I've done 10 things on my to do list while watching TV on and off this morning.

I've got another 12 things to do and I'll be close to the level I was a few weeks ago. Starting back smoking was a severe step in the wrong direction for me. Once I quit, I'm not going to repeat that mistake!

Sleep Schedule is #1

2009-12-04T23:00:00.002-05:00

OK, I have a whacked out sleep schedule. It was normal less than 2 weeks ago, but it is in shambles. I go to bed between 4 and 8 in the morning and sleep until 2 in the afternoon. When the bug man came at 8 this morning, I woke up long just enough for him to come, get paid and go.

My sleep schedule is my #1 concern at the moment. I believe if I can get up by 8a or 9a, then I can get back to doing what I need and what I want to do. Once my sleep schedule is back, my eating schedule will return, as will the exercise schedule.

Here are my current concerns, in order:

Sleep Schedule (8a/9a wake up)
Money
Exercising/Diet
Friends & Family

Where was I?

2009-12-04T18:26:00.002-05:00

I got to thinking about that uberman thing some more and realized that I need to do a lot more in preparation. For starters, I need to get more into doing my to do list. Once my to do lists are at their max, then the transition can happen.

I don't know where my head was? Possibly in the clouds of having 22 hours a day to be awake. Possibly it was the more vivid dreams from the compressed REM sleep. Maybe I'm just a night owl. At any rate, my head is back on straight now.

I do want to accomplish this, but it's getting put on the "back burner" goal list. Speaking of lists, I need to make a master goal list, divided into categories, such as current, back burner, some day, maybe, etc. I'll do that tonight.

Uberman

2009-12-04T00:23:00.004-05:00

Well, before it even got to the starting gate, uberman is a bust. I just can't ask myself to do one more thing. It's hard to keep up the minimal stuff now. Plus, I just love my caffeine too much right now. Maybe in the not so distant future when I have given up soda for good.

I know this is my procrasination and fear of failure rearing its ugly head once again. The truth is that this is a perfect time for this transition. Sure, I'll have to give up soda and coffee for now. I'll be able to have them in moderation after the first few weeks.

It's also late Thursday and the weekend is upon me. I could start Saturday night with a 3 hour sleep cycle from 1-4 or 5-8, then sleep 20 minutes at 12, 4, 8, 12, 4, 8, etc. This would mean no caffeine Saturday after 4PM. Cut off!

I'll also need to get some supplies:

Bottled Water
Paper Towels
Rubber Gloves
Newspaper
Toilet Bowl Brush
Food

I've got my computer as an alarm. You gotta love crons :) Well, nothing definite. Just a maybe...for now.

Still Smoking

2009-12-03T22:35:00.002-05:00

Well, I am still smoking. I broke down about 15 minutes into the day. I set myself up for failure though. I smoked inside last night, so the house smelled like an astray. Also, my sleep schedule being jacked up isn't helping matters much.

I am considering the uberman schedule still. It's kind of crazy, but I'd have more energy, more vivid dreams, and more time to do something to get ahead. No matter where I go, I am always welcome to take a quick 20 minute nap. That's the upside of being unemployed: naps!

Well, I posted my goals on my whiteboard and it is motivating me to do things to accomplish them. I've reacched a savings milestone and am only 12 pages from finishing my book (#2 in a set of 9). My weight goal has just been sitting there, so I think I need to change weight to bicep circumference. That could motivate me more to really workout.

Uberman Sleep Schedule

2009-12-03T06:57:00.002-05:00

So, I am still awake from Wednesday. Big woop. I had plenty of caffeine. This sleep things has me scouring the internet. I found the Uberman Sleep Schedule. Basically, it's 20 minute naps every 4 hours. Da Vinci was on this schedule.

It gives you 22 hours a day to do whatever you want. Sure, you've got to sleep every 4 hours on schedule without missing a nap, but that wouldn't be hard for me. Dreams would be better too, and I don't remember any of mine now.

This would mean a drastic change to my lifestyle. I'd have to cut out caffeine completely. I wouldn't need it, from what I am reading. People who switched said they had more energy than they knew what to do to with.

There is an adjustment period of 15-30 days. The initial adjustment is only a 5-8 days. After the initial phase, energy would be higher and I can eat more!

This thing has got me intrigued. I am in no way ready to start today, but I do feel like a change is coming.

PS: If I'm not asleep by then, Thursday's no cigarettes starts at 8AM.

Tomorrow w/o Cigarettes

2009-12-03T02:51:00.002-05:00

I'm going through a mix of emotions right now about tomorrow.
This circle happens over and over.
It's just a sliver of my crazy.

I know that my fear is not a fear of success but a fear of failure.
My hope dampens the fear with thoughts of one day quitting.
My short-sightedness is saying, "But it's just one day!?!"
I answer, "It will make me stronger."
My fear beckons, "You will fail!".

No Soda Day Was Great

2009-12-03T00:28:00.002-05:00

Well, Tuesday, the no soda day, was great! I didn't keel over dead or loose any bodily function. I woke up Wednesday morning, jumped in the shower and went straight up to the store to buy soda. Then, it took me 2 hours to drink a 20 oz. Diet Pepsi. lol.

I think it helped me appreciate soda more, so I'm going ahead with a no smoking day. It's Thursday, tomorrow. I want to go visit a friend tomorrow, but she's a smoker. I may stay home if the cravings get too bad. I stayed home all day Tuesday.

Well, I've got to pull out something I can do with my hands for tomorrow. Maybe I'll clean the house from top to bottom. It needs a thorough cleaning. I did get a small app hacked together yesterday without soda.

I do need a project. Any Suggestions?

Baby Step Quitting

2009-12-01T15:42:00.003-05:00

I bought 2 packs of cigarettes yesterday. I lasted until noon. I feel so bad for breaking so quickly. I enjoyed the first few cigarettes. They were heavenly, but the crude and croop started after that. I am determined to quit and I will succeed, just not right now.

Today, I'm attacking another vice: soda. I am not going to drink my favorite soda today. I am planning on having some coffee and possibly an energy drink, but no soda. Just for today. If I make it to tomorrow morning, I'll go to the store and buy a cold one and a six pack.

I'm hoping that quitting for one day will help. I think it will. Quitting soda for today will help with going to sleep earlier from several aspects too. That's wonderful right there.

Quitting Smoking

2009-11-30T00:40:00.002-05:00

Well, I smoked my last cigarette just before midnight tonight. Do I crave one now? Nope! I hid my ashtray, stowed my lighter next to the candles, and threw away all cigarette packs & trash from them. Tomorrow will be a cake walk. It's day #2 & #3 that's hard!

I've got plenty to do instead of smoke.

My car's tank is almost full.
I've got a semi-fresh puzzle book.
My knitting/crocheting is right in the closet along with my guitar & keyboard.
Straws are in the pantry.

I've got plenty of reasons to quit.

My cat's health. He is wheezing right now.
Being an inspiration to those around me to quit.
My health. I'm allergic to cigarettes.
My appearance. Yes, I do give a pooh.
My sleep schedule. It's been rough staying up until 5/6 AM.

My plan is to just not go anywhere for the next few days unless necessary. That helped last time. Plus, I don't have the money for it. The $90 in my checking is being moved to savings. Naturally, I couldn't pay my water bill Friday, the day it was due on the bill, b/c the office was closed. This town is so backwards. Anywho, I'll be paying that tomorrow, but no other going out plans are in the works.

Sociable

2009-11-27T20:51:00.004-05:00

I have been feeling down in the dumps lately. There are tons of reasons. I am leaving portions of the truth covered from my family. I only have 2 friends outside of family. One friend is too busy to hang with me. The other friend seems to be pushing away for some reason. My relationships with my blood relatives are all crap.

I feel all alone in this big and scary world. At least I've got my cat, and God, to keep me company. They both love me so much. It just doesn't seem like enough. I deserve better, but feel like there's nothing I can do to make it better. I'm a smart guy. I know there are plenty of ways I can improve my social situation.

The first step is getting out of the house, but where would I go? I could go to the gay bar or the karaoke bar. I just feel exposed and lonely going out by myself. I could go to church, but most Christians don't see the bigger picture. Most ppl at a bar don't see it either.

Am I doomed to be lonely for the remainder of my life? Am I missing the guy who broke my heart a few months ago? Am I upset at the 9 shirts hanging in my living room b/c the dryer's broken? Am I just missing some part of my brain that everyone else possesses?

Loosing my Motivation

2009-11-27T12:32:00.002-05:00

I have a terrible problem with motivation. It comes and goes, as if it has free will. I got motivated about noon. I decided to go and pay the water bill. To my surprise, the government-controlled industry is closed on the day after Thanksgiving. My bill clearly states that my payment is due today, 11/27.

This is, of course, the same water works that has a "We appreciate your business!" sign posted in the window. You are a government-controlled monopoly! If I didn't use you, I'd be breaking the law, as septic tanks are outlawed where I live and I am not going to drink well water contaminated by a high school's chemistry teacher's illegal dumping activity. Wait, that's a rant for a different time!

Anyways, when I passed the water office on the way to the bank, I noticed they were closed! This killed any remaining motivation I had for now. I can't seem to get it back either. The desire to get off my butt and do something that will help me progress towards my goals is there, but without motivation, I can't get started!

Brothers

2009-11-27T01:37:00.002-05:00

You ever notice how some people don't shut up? My brother pissed me off about an hour ago. I ask him for one simple favor, and I'm willing to pay him for it. He says 'No.' I say, 'That's cool.' Then he proceeds to list the reasons for his decision!

Why do people do that? I'm cool with you saying no. You don't have to prove anything to me about your choice. It's your choice. I'm an adult and understand I'm not going to always get what I want. The only reason I can think of for him spouting out reasons is that he feels bad about telling his little brother no.

My brother has forever shaped my life. Some for good and some for bad. I like to think mostly good, but there was one bad time that until now I blamed myself for, when ultimately it was a lack of communication on every family member's part, myself included.

Of course, the time I speak of was what instilled in me a fear of success. I was able to out-do my brother at college level work and thought for almost 20 years that I was the reason he dropped out of college. Due to my success, he failed. It wasn't like that at all. No, I'm 29 and have to face those demons as an adult, and it's hard!

Daily Money

2009-11-26T16:10:00.002-05:00

OK, so in efforts to quit smoking, I am thinking about how much money I'll be able to save. I've already got my bills down and eat dinner at home 6 days a week, so I'm good there. The daily unnecessary money is the last part:

Cigarettes -- $3.13
Soda -- $3.09
Coffee -- $0.56
Driving around -- $3.25

Yes, I do drive a lot. I go about 40 miles, just for fun about every day. I do get between 28 and 31 mpgs, best just after an oil change.

So, the cigarettes will give me $93.90 on a 30 day month. That'd be pretty good funneled into savings. It's 21.91 a week. BTW, Circle K has Marlboro Mediums on sale for cheap when you buy 2 packs.

After cigarettes will come soda & driving around. Those won't be cut out entirely. I'll cut them back to the level of the coffee. All of that will save me 8.35 a day, 58.45 a week, 250.50 a month, 3,047.75 over a year! That's enough to buy an cheap, but working, car/truck. Several if you find a good deal.

OK, so I should forget about everything I just said. I'll just stick with the $3.13 a day for cigarettes. It's gonna go in my change jar every day.

Clutch

2009-11-25T17:06:00.002-05:00

Well, my clutch is starting to go out on my car. That'd be only $175 if I fix it myself. I haven't called around to see what the prices are. I don't really want to do it myself. When I bought it in 2007, I knew it would need a clutch within a few years. Well, here it is a few years later and it's going.

In third gear it will rev up without going any faster if I gun it. Until today, that had been the worst of it. Today, I was going up a hill at 50 mph in fifth gear and the engine reved. I backed off the accelerator and it righted itself. I was slowing down, so downshifted of course.

It is scary driving it. Luckily, I've got enough money in case I need a tow, so I can drive it around town still. I don't have the money to have it fixed, so I'm gonna keep with the procrastination and hopefully I can get it done after Christmas.

Today's Docket

2009-11-23T16:32:00.002-05:00

Well, I woke up at 1:45, yet again :( I miss mornings. It's so depressing waking up in the afternoons! Well, I've got a few things on my plate for today, but I'll put it off until later.

Exercise
Eat a Salad
Eat Fruit
Clean up Living Room & Computer Room
Laundry -- Sheets
Read

That's not much, but it sure does seem like a lot to me. I have no dryer so laundry will have to air dry. All I need right now are boxers and jeans/pants, thank God! We'll see if I can get this done today.

The hard part will be trying to go to bed early. Maybe I can get a 3-4 hour nap in at midnight. I could work with a sleep schedule like that, so long as my tv shows are ready to watch when I get up!

Amendment

2009-11-23T04:30:00.001-05:00

When I am at home, I will smoke on the porch, in only my boxers! That'll teach me!

Imagination

2009-11-23T04:09:00.002-05:00

I have a fairly active imagination. It's not like most people's. Then again, my brain's not set up like most people's. I have a recurring day dream where only 1 in 100,000 survive this deadly event. You can see who that's a good jumping point for a lot of directions.

Anyways, I'm gonna put my imagination to work for me. Every night, before bed, I'm gonna imagine the best day for tomorrow. I'll get everything I want, and everything will be done. If I'm lucky, I'll get lucky with somebody! lol.

Well, It's way past my bed time and I'm gonna strip down and step out for a smoke.

Good Night!

Still Smoking

2009-11-23T03:39:00.002-05:00

So I bought 2 packs ... Stupid Circle K & their expensive single packs. Well, it happened when I had to go to the grocery store. I stopped by Circle K first, b/c I needed a cigarette. If I had just kept myself home today! Well, nothing I can do to change the past...

In an effort to quit again, I've decided to smoke outside. Even when I'm out somewhere, I'll step outside to inconvenience myself. Shove on another reason to quit smoking. When I'm home, I'm gonna go a step further and not wear any shirt when I'm outside smoking. Man tits and all will be visible from the highway! Cover your children's eyes! lol.

Wow! It's a nippy 51 out there right now. Not too bad for this time of year. Tomorrow night will be 44! I guess I'll be smoking a lot less tomorrow night.

Quitting Smoking

2009-11-22T01:38:00.002-05:00

Sunday will be Day #1 of quitting smoking. It will be the 10th Day #1 over the last 8 weeks. I lasted 20 days in Sept/Oct. It's been a long and treacherous road. I know all the benefits, but I've been smoking since March 1996. 13 years of habit does not make it easy.

I'll have to use my procrastination to my advantage, in that I'll procrastinate going to the store to buy cigarettes. I'll have no need to go to the store, b/c I've got everything I need until Wednesday. My procrastination must remain fixated on going to the store, thus allowing me to do something on my to do list when I'm having a craving.

"Procrastination fixates on going to the store."
"Procrastination fixates on going to the store."
"Procrastination fixates on going to the store."
"Procrastination fixates on going to the store."
"Procrastination fixates on going to the store."

The Dryer's Dead

2009-11-21T02:48:00.000-05:00

A couple of days ago, my dryer stopped working. I knew it was the drum belt b/c I could hear the motor whirling away, but didn't hear the drum rotating. I just went about my business, like nothing was wrong. Procrastination is one of my favorite past-times, btw.

Today, I got a wild hair and jumped over to You Tube. Well, all the dryers are basically the same. An older GE, like what I have, isn't all that easy to change out the belt. Once I got the back hatch pulled off, I realized the part of the drum that protruded through the back wasn't pointing through a large metal ring, where it was supposed to be. The metal ring had a large gash in it and the protrusion had dropped and over time worn away the metal plate and continued to moved down. I stopped right there.

Smoking a cigarette on the couch, I stewed over the situation, "Now, I've got to buy a dryer. There goes my emergency fund. Why didn't I do this before I paid on my credit card?" Finally, I came to the conclusion of not worrying about it right now. I replaced enough screws to hold it together.