Tonight, I'm sitting at home drinking and binge watching a show all alone while a group of friends is out celebrating a birthday. I'd much rather be sitting here by myself than out at a smoke filled bar having to make small talk with people I barely know anymore. Being an introvert is in my core nature and is expressed in almost every facet of my life.
Being 35 and feeling a bit stalled in my career, I've started to shift my perspective when it comes to friends and being social in general. I'm behind because I'm quiet. Sure I can perform those complex technical tasks that others making 2-5 times more money can't. The difference in pay is directly proportional to social skills.
Having always been quiet, and having never really gone through the "why phase" or the "terrible two's", my social skills aren't on par with others my age. The closest to the terrible two's was driving the car, but I was only 15 months old. (Complete pulling the keys out of my Mom's purse to cranking the car to steering) My Dad loves to remind me of this every opportunity he gets!
So, back to my topic: Friends. I have a good number of what I would call acquaintances, but as far as friends go, I have none. No one is close enough to me to know what's going on. Not even my parents or fiancee. That's kinda sad, isn't it?
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Mortality
I had a dream the other night about Grandma. She was in the early stages of Alzheimer's in the dream, the disease that took her life Thanksgiving Day 2011. We were at a mall of some sort and she had wondered off somewhere. Once I found her she was very confused. Throughout the dream I could tell she recognized me but didn't remember my name until the very end of the dream. I believe the dream wasn't really about her, but about my new boyfriend who is HIV-positive.
Alzheimer's is nothing to sneeze at. It is terrible for the person who has it and everyone who loves them. It steals away chunks of memory and as these memories fade away the person becomes very confused and frustrated. Alzheimer's can also make the person hallucinate which is something that plagued Grandma toward the end. I remember her telling me one time that a man she didn't recognize was standing next to her father, who she claimed was directly in front of her while we were talking.
As I analyzed the dream, one of the few remembered recently, I realized that I'm not dreaming of her, but of my new boyfriend. He's HIV positive and while I'm not scared of catching it because we are always safe when we have sex, I am frightened of how this disease will affect him, and consequently affect myself. I've never seriously dated anyone how is positive before, so my mind is processing all these unconscious thoughts and emotions through the hidden metaphors in the dream.
I had to use all the mental power I could muster to stay focused on analyzing how I feel about it, because I am very scared about this disease and the mortality issues that come along with it. My mind did not want to think about it at all. Every little distraction bubbled into my conscious mind and carried me away from the thoughts that really mattered. After about an hour's thought, I realized that anyone could get into a fatal accident while driving or walking or working in an office or even just taking a shower.
My mind was so jarred by that revelation that I can see life from an entirely new perspective. Living for today is the only way to be truly happy. No one knows what tomorrow holds or even the next hour or minute will hold. Looking forward to the future and having long-term goals is important, but without living for today it is all for nothing.
Alzheimer's is nothing to sneeze at. It is terrible for the person who has it and everyone who loves them. It steals away chunks of memory and as these memories fade away the person becomes very confused and frustrated. Alzheimer's can also make the person hallucinate which is something that plagued Grandma toward the end. I remember her telling me one time that a man she didn't recognize was standing next to her father, who she claimed was directly in front of her while we were talking.
As I analyzed the dream, one of the few remembered recently, I realized that I'm not dreaming of her, but of my new boyfriend. He's HIV positive and while I'm not scared of catching it because we are always safe when we have sex, I am frightened of how this disease will affect him, and consequently affect myself. I've never seriously dated anyone how is positive before, so my mind is processing all these unconscious thoughts and emotions through the hidden metaphors in the dream.
I had to use all the mental power I could muster to stay focused on analyzing how I feel about it, because I am very scared about this disease and the mortality issues that come along with it. My mind did not want to think about it at all. Every little distraction bubbled into my conscious mind and carried me away from the thoughts that really mattered. After about an hour's thought, I realized that anyone could get into a fatal accident while driving or walking or working in an office or even just taking a shower.
My mind was so jarred by that revelation that I can see life from an entirely new perspective. Living for today is the only way to be truly happy. No one knows what tomorrow holds or even the next hour or minute will hold. Looking forward to the future and having long-term goals is important, but without living for today it is all for nothing.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Dating someone who is HIV positive
This week, I started seeing this guy that lives around the corner from me. We almost instantly connected, something that hasn't happened to me in a long time. He's sweet, attractive, kind, giving, and the sexual energy between us is AMAZING! The only hitch is he is positive.
He told me on our first date and I was a little shocked. I let the date continue and run it's course. After he left, I stayed up for hours considering what exactly my feelings were about the issue. I did research into it, because I have never dated anyone who was HIV positive before. I thought about how my life would be affected by this. Sure, safe sex is a must, but more than that the road ahead would be rocky.
The complete impact of this is still unknown to me. I may loose friends, but if I do then they weren't really my friends to begin with. My parents would surely have tons of things to say about it, and I'll have to stand my ground with them. I may have to take care of him if things take a turn for the worse, which I am more than willing to do.
The biggest worry I have is becoming positive myself. Sure, it's not the death sentence it once was, but the thought still scares me. There are drugs that help prevent catching it, but I've never liked taking daily medication. There's even a cure/vaccine in the works which I have read about in multiple publications and it sounds very promising but still a few years away.
All of this may not be an issue, because the last guy I seriously dated told me this week that he was positive. I didn't know at the time, so we weren't safe. He said it was undetectable, so I should be ok, but the last time I was tested was back in October, when I was seeing him, so it wouldn't have shown up on the test. I will be getting tested Saturday, just to make sure.
If the test comes back positive, I'm sure to be an emotional wreck. Who do I tell first? The guy I'm currently dating? My best friend? Surely not my parents or roommates...yet. I'm trying not to think about it until I know for sure. All I know is I'm going to need someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright.
Ultimately, I've decided that I am not going to let his status affect how I feel about him. He is genuinely a great guy with a huge heart. The more I learn about him the more I like him. I feel like I'm falling in love with him. We've seen each other the last 3 nights and have plans for tonight too.
We haven't had sex yet, which is a good thing because I do need to get tested and know my status before entering into that. Plus, the tension is building and it's going to make our first time all the better. We've talked about our likes and dislikes in that department and it's a very good match, and just fooling around has got both of us hot and bothered.
At any rate, I'll be updating this blog more now that I've got a good struggle to share with the world. Maybe someone will read this and it will help with a similar situation...I can only hope.
He told me on our first date and I was a little shocked. I let the date continue and run it's course. After he left, I stayed up for hours considering what exactly my feelings were about the issue. I did research into it, because I have never dated anyone who was HIV positive before. I thought about how my life would be affected by this. Sure, safe sex is a must, but more than that the road ahead would be rocky.
The complete impact of this is still unknown to me. I may loose friends, but if I do then they weren't really my friends to begin with. My parents would surely have tons of things to say about it, and I'll have to stand my ground with them. I may have to take care of him if things take a turn for the worse, which I am more than willing to do.
The biggest worry I have is becoming positive myself. Sure, it's not the death sentence it once was, but the thought still scares me. There are drugs that help prevent catching it, but I've never liked taking daily medication. There's even a cure/vaccine in the works which I have read about in multiple publications and it sounds very promising but still a few years away.
All of this may not be an issue, because the last guy I seriously dated told me this week that he was positive. I didn't know at the time, so we weren't safe. He said it was undetectable, so I should be ok, but the last time I was tested was back in October, when I was seeing him, so it wouldn't have shown up on the test. I will be getting tested Saturday, just to make sure.
If the test comes back positive, I'm sure to be an emotional wreck. Who do I tell first? The guy I'm currently dating? My best friend? Surely not my parents or roommates...yet. I'm trying not to think about it until I know for sure. All I know is I'm going to need someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright.
Ultimately, I've decided that I am not going to let his status affect how I feel about him. He is genuinely a great guy with a huge heart. The more I learn about him the more I like him. I feel like I'm falling in love with him. We've seen each other the last 3 nights and have plans for tonight too.
We haven't had sex yet, which is a good thing because I do need to get tested and know my status before entering into that. Plus, the tension is building and it's going to make our first time all the better. We've talked about our likes and dislikes in that department and it's a very good match, and just fooling around has got both of us hot and bothered.
At any rate, I'll be updating this blog more now that I've got a good struggle to share with the world. Maybe someone will read this and it will help with a similar situation...I can only hope.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Bad Mood
All day, I've been struggling to get out of a funk. I have had a short temper. I yelled at inanimate objects. I punished myself all day for everything I've ever done wrong. Slowly, I am becoming happy again.
I woke up in such a foul mood. I tried all the ujsual pre-work things: jog, breakfast, hot shower, even masturbation. None of them helped in the least. In fact, each seemed to push me deeper into anger.
Finally, my anger set its sight on me. Psychologists call this depression. I was so focused on this, I didn't recognize it happening. After hours of self-deprecation, I asked myself a simple question...
What are 3 good things happening right now in my life?
Once I answered this question, I felt ten times better! My answers were: the angel sent from heaven that is my boyfriend, earning a paycheck after 2 years of unemployment, and my 83 days of not smoking cigarettes. All 3 are huge mood lifters!
The more I focus on these three things, the happier I become and the less judgemental I get about everything.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Holiday
It's a holiday weekend and guess what? I've got 3 days off in a row. The best part of all of this is my boyfriend has to work every day! I have greatly enjoyed our Saturday hikes recently and am slightly perturbed that we are not doing anything much this weekend.
On top of that, he is working with this bitch that just brings everyone down. That negativity comes home to me and puts up stupid un-needed barriers between us. It took over 4 hours for us to settle last night. The residue is still there this morning :(
I thought about going up there and telling him to chill out because all of his energy is affecting everyone there and everyone they come into contact with for at least a few hours. I didn't out of respect for my boyfriend, but I am not going to put up with this much longer...nor is my boyfriend.
It makes me think about Oprah's final show. One thing that really hit home with me was the quote "You are responsible for the energy you bring into this space." The bitch is not following this rule, but I am certain that he does not know how to be happy and send out good energy in the first place.
At any rate, I'm not sure how I am going to resolve this issue. I want my boyfriend to just quit, but I'm not going to ask him to do that. I want to get this bitch to be happy, but I'm not sure what's wrong with him in the first place. I want to get the bitch to not work there anymore, fired or quit both fit the bill.
Deep down, what I really want is for my boyfriend to be in a good mood when he comes home. It is difficult to let all the stress and thoughts of work go. Many days, I can dissipate the negative on my 30-45 minute mainly interstate commute. My boyfriend's commute is only 10 minutes and all surface streets, so it is probably difficult for him to cast away all the crap.
I pray that a solution is found and found quickly, because our relationship needs an injection of happiness from both of us. I'm not sure when that's gonna happen :(
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Motherly Resentment
Today I remembered that my mother told me when I was young a gay man is a man who has a wife and children and then leaves them. Instantly the thought buried itself again, but it was too late. Parts of my consciousness had become aware of this fact and gears began to turn.
This was right about the same time I keep tracing certain things back to. A time when I attributed my brother's failure in college to my success in computers. A time when the isolation started. A time when straight As when to Bs & Cs & Fs. The first time when I dated a girl...OMG! Yes, a time when I stopped being myself.
I allowed, probably even wanted, my mother's definitions to define me. When I told her that, I may have wanted to know her reaction to me coming out to her and it shoved me way back in the closet. No one can say for certain. All I know now is I do not know myself very well. The more I learn, the less I feel I know.
Today, I realized that I lost out on the last 20+ years of my life because of one thing my mother said to me when I was 8 or 9. I have been acting as if I hold her responsible and I do feel as though she's responsible for all the failing in my life because I was not allowed to be me.
This was right about the same time I keep tracing certain things back to. A time when I attributed my brother's failure in college to my success in computers. A time when the isolation started. A time when straight As when to Bs & Cs & Fs. The first time when I dated a girl...OMG! Yes, a time when I stopped being myself.
I allowed, probably even wanted, my mother's definitions to define me. When I told her that, I may have wanted to know her reaction to me coming out to her and it shoved me way back in the closet. No one can say for certain. All I know now is I do not know myself very well. The more I learn, the less I feel I know.
Today, I realized that I lost out on the last 20+ years of my life because of one thing my mother said to me when I was 8 or 9. I have been acting as if I hold her responsible and I do feel as though she's responsible for all the failing in my life because I was not allowed to be me.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Happy New Years
Tonight, I was in the bathroom, poised and ready. The knife was in my hand. I had had enough! As I moved the knife over to my wrist, I started shaking. "Do it!" kept coming out of my mouth. And to think, I was happy just 2 weeks ago.
It all started when a small group of us went to the gay bar downtown. We had an awesome time! An old friend from high school was up there, who we all knew. He introduced me to a guy and that's when this suicide snowball started rolling.
We seen each other on 3 occasions since then. The first two times were great, but the third didn't go so well. He was drunk and flirting with all the guys (myself included). Not cool. I got jealous, but don't let it show in a good way and things turned from not good to bad.
Whose fault was it? Both of ours. I should have planted a big wet kiss on him as we said goodbye that night, but I was just too angry to see that's what needed to happen.
On top of that, my best friend left for CO yesterday, a family members house was burglarized Wednesday (uber-scary), and my friend in SC is giving me bad advice all around.
So, I was standing there with the knife perpendicular to my wrist. I could see my blood pressure sky rocket as the veins pulsed. I became almost light-headed, my blood about to boil over with rage. I took a look in the mirror and my rage melted into tears.
At that moment, I realized that I had become exactly what I hated. I was being atrociously selfish. It's gonna be a long, arduous, and sad road, but I'm not giving up.
It all started when a small group of us went to the gay bar downtown. We had an awesome time! An old friend from high school was up there, who we all knew. He introduced me to a guy and that's when this suicide snowball started rolling.
We seen each other on 3 occasions since then. The first two times were great, but the third didn't go so well. He was drunk and flirting with all the guys (myself included). Not cool. I got jealous, but don't let it show in a good way and things turned from not good to bad.
Whose fault was it? Both of ours. I should have planted a big wet kiss on him as we said goodbye that night, but I was just too angry to see that's what needed to happen.
On top of that, my best friend left for CO yesterday, a family members house was burglarized Wednesday (uber-scary), and my friend in SC is giving me bad advice all around.
So, I was standing there with the knife perpendicular to my wrist. I could see my blood pressure sky rocket as the veins pulsed. I became almost light-headed, my blood about to boil over with rage. I took a look in the mirror and my rage melted into tears.
At that moment, I realized that I had become exactly what I hated. I was being atrociously selfish. It's gonna be a long, arduous, and sad road, but I'm not giving up.
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