Motherly Resentment

Today I remembered that my mother told me when I was young a gay man is a man who has a wife and children and then leaves them. Instantly the thought buried itself again, but it was too late. Parts of my consciousness had become aware of this fact and gears began to turn.

This was right about the same time I keep tracing certain things back to. A time when I attributed my brother's failure in college to my success in computers. A time when the isolation started. A time when straight As when to Bs & Cs & Fs. The first time when I dated a girl...OMG! Yes, a time when I stopped being myself.

I allowed, probably even wanted, my mother's definitions to define me. When I told her that, I may have wanted to know her reaction to me coming out to her and it shoved me way back in the closet. No one can say for certain. All I know now is I do not know myself very well. The more I learn, the less I feel I know.

Today, I realized that I lost out on the last 20+ years of my life because of one thing my mother said to me when I was 8 or 9. I have been acting as if I hold her responsible and I do feel as though she's responsible for all the failing in my life because I was not allowed to be me.

Happy New Years

Tonight, I was in the bathroom, poised and ready. The knife was in my hand. I had had enough! As I moved the knife over to my wrist, I started shaking. "Do it!" kept coming out of my mouth. And to think, I was happy just 2 weeks ago.

It all started when a small group of us went to the gay bar downtown. We had an awesome time! An old friend from high school was up there, who we all knew. He introduced me to a guy and that's when this suicide snowball started rolling.

We seen each other on 3 occasions since then. The first two times were great, but the third didn't go so well. He was drunk and flirting with all the guys (myself included). Not cool. I got jealous, but don't let it show in a good way and things turned from not good to bad.

Whose fault was it? Both of ours. I should have planted a big wet kiss on him as we said goodbye that night, but I was just too angry to see that's what needed to happen.

On top of that, my best friend left for CO yesterday, a family members house was burglarized Wednesday (uber-scary), and my friend in SC is giving me bad advice all around.

So, I was standing there with the knife perpendicular to my wrist. I could see my blood pressure sky rocket as the veins pulsed. I became almost light-headed, my blood about to boil over with rage. I took a look in the mirror and my rage melted into tears.

At that moment, I realized that I had become exactly what I hated. I was being atrociously selfish. It's gonna be a long, arduous, and sad road, but I'm not giving up.

Fear of Anarchy

While watching one of my favorite shows, Desperate Housewives, I had a bit of an anxiety attack. There was a riot on Wisteria Ln and it was really chaotic. Thanks to our friend foreshadowing, I consciously knew it was coming, so I was able to keep it minimum.

It reminded me of my first day of kindergarten. Peering through the doorway, I saw pure chaos and begged my mom to take me with her to work. Luckily for mom, my cousin was in the same class. She took my hand and pulled me into the abyss.

Kindergarten was very different from the first school I attended. It was a religious pre-k. Everything was very ordered. I hated it. The problem was the formal curriculum. It was just a repeat of what I already knew.

That first day of kindergarten, I figured if the school where everyone was sitting and orderly didn't teach me anything how could the opposite teach me?

I wasn't seeing the whole situation. I only saw the chaos. I didn't see the smiles on these kids faces. Obviously, it wasn't too chaotic for my mom to leave me there. Plus, I did have a good time once my anxiety passed.

Sleeping with the ex- ... again

The ex-girlfriend I slept with in December, who I'll refer to a E, has grown to be my friend once again. I thought for sure once E had moved an hour away she'd be somewhat out of my hair, but I was so wrong. Recently E came down for a visit, invited one of her buddies over and before I knew it, E was finger-cuffed.

Being bisexual, the addition of another guy really turns me on, even if I can only look. E knew this from the start and that's why she invited the other guy to come over. I don't hold it against her, because I did have a good time. Needless to say, this has happened again and again.

From these activities, I have netted some alone time with two guys and have other prospects. I think for most guys it's about getting past the need to define sexuality. Seeing another guy naked and sharing a women with him are excellent at breaking down that barrier. I'm quite surprised I hadn't thought of this earlier.

The Procrastinating Rebel

A couple weeks ago, I read that procrastination is a form of rebellion by way of avoidance. I was shocked at this! My brain was buzzing with activity. Eventually I got to the thought, 'I must harbor some resentment, anger, contempt, etc. for some one and/or some state and/or some action.' Since then, I have noticed more than a few of my procrastination triggers.
#1 Trigger: My Boss

Every bad boss (so few are good) I've ever had has been horribly ill-equipped to perform my job and don't know how to communicate properly. Either of these attributes make me procrastinate at work.

My favorite job was waiting tables at IHOP. Sure, I smelled of syrup after 10 hours and 2 showers, but my boss was the best. She could do every bit of work in that restaurant from serving to cooking to management stuff to rowdy club crowds. Plus, when it's busy (or dead) it's time to go home already!?!

The simplest solution is to not have a boss, but be my own boss. A better solution is to get into management. The best solution would be to win the lottery, only problem is I don't play.

Distractions vs. Triggers

Triggers cause the procrastination. These shouldn't be confused with a distraction, which is what I call the action performed while procrastinating another action. I've got tons for distractions:

• TV
• Facebook
• Delicious
• Slashdot
• Food
• Cigarettes
• Playing with the cat
• Driving the car

The list goes on and on. None of these, by themselves, cause procrastination.
When a trigger combines with a distraction, motivation for procrastinating does increase a bit. That means avoiding distractions helps, but only a bit.

Discovering and avoiding triggers is the better way, in my opinion. It's helped me to learn about myself and why I do the things I do. It's a long and arduous journey, but it's definitely worth it.

Flexible Plans

Every night, before bed, I run through what I have to do the next day. I used to played the whole day out. Wake up at a certain time, exercise at a certain time, eat at certain times. It worked very well, and most days I can get a lot done. When one thing had to be pushed, the whole day was off and I did not get anything done.

The problem was putting it on a time line, so I changed it up. I now visualize myself just doing, and finishing, the different tasks, putting as few time constraints as possible. For instance, I can exercise at any time, but the water bill has to be paid during the day. The ´day´ visuals don´t include the sun or shadows, but does include day time light.

Tasks are ordered by priority in my run through. This prevents my unconscious from automatically assigning a time line. Plus, if I decide to do the visualizations a second time and fall asleep in the middle, only the more important tasks get repeated.

Doing this every night can and will improve your performance. Remember to keep it positive and do not visualize anything bad, i.e. no lines at the store/bank/office. We all do make our own reality. Why not weave some of the fabric of tomorrow, today?

10 Ways to Stay Motivated

We are all motivated every second we are awake. Motivation to stare at the TV, cook dinner, surf facebook, or even go to bed. Goals require us to hold that motivation. Keeping up that motivation can be somewhat difficult. Here are some ways to stay motivated:

1. Stay Realistic
    This is paramount! Stepping beyond the realm of reality can quickly deflate motivation.
   
2. Focus on the End Result
    I´m not talking about the goal, but the result of completing that goal. For instance, if your goal is to be debt free, focus on sleeping well at night or all the money you´ll be able to save. If your goal is to loose weight, focus on looking good in that hot bathing suit you saw the other day. Remember that some goals require you to take a few steps back in the beginning.
   
3. Focus on the Task at Hand
    To quote one of my favorite movies, ¨Don´t feel overwhelmed, just do one thing at a time.¨ Never focus on all the steps you still have left. This will only kill your motivation. Instead, focus on doing the current step to the best of your ability.
   
4. Change your Computer Wallpaper
    This is super simple and reminds you every time you see your desktop. $100 bills stacked into $10,000 or that hot swimsuit (on a mannequin) are good examples. Remember, stay realistic, i.e. do not photoshop your head on someone else´s body.
   
5. Avoid Temptation
    Hide anything that could tempt you away from your goal. Put it somewhere you never go and never think about. Even give it away or destroy it all together, if necessary.
   
6. Place Clever Reminders
    Putting up tons of reminders only makes you look crazy, but having a few that are well placed will keep you looking sane. Anything that may tempt you should have a reminder. Create a sleeve for your bank/credit cards using the picture from #4. Put a sign inside the fridge/pantry/freezer that blocks access to any calorie rich food.
   
7. Squash Negative Thoughts
    Staying motivated means staying positive. If a negative thought comes to mind, you have to squash it immediately with a positive one, using present tense.  Even a generic thought like ¨I´m determined to do this¨ or ¨I´m keeping on¨ will stave off negativity for at least a short bit.
   
8. Meditate
    This can bring focus to many things, motivation being one. Don´t know how? Read how to meditate.
   
9. Pray
    God makes everything happen. I think that says it all.
   
10. Talk to Family and Friends
     Talking about your goal makes is all the more real. Sharing it will others, seeing that look in their eyes that they might want to do the same can set your motivation on fire. Beware of negativity that can put that fire out as quickly as it was ignited.