Friends

Tonight, I'm sitting at home drinking and binge watching a show all alone while a group of friends is out celebrating a birthday. I'd much rather be sitting here by myself than out at a smoke filled bar having to make small talk with people I barely know anymore. Being an introvert is in my core nature and is expressed in almost every facet of my life.

Being 35 and feeling a bit stalled in my career, I've started to shift my perspective when it comes to friends and being social in general. I'm behind because I'm quiet. Sure I can perform those complex technical tasks that others making 2-5 times more money can't. The difference in pay is directly proportional to social skills.

Having always been quiet, and having never really gone through the "why phase" or the "terrible two's", my social skills aren't on par with others my age. The closest to the terrible two's was driving the car, but I was only 15 months old. (Complete pulling the keys out of my Mom's purse to cranking the car to steering) My Dad loves to remind me of this every opportunity he gets!

So, back to my topic: Friends. I have a good number of what I would call acquaintances, but as far as friends go, I have none. No one is close enough to me to know what's going on. Not even my parents or fiancee. That's kinda sad, isn't it?

Mortality

I had a dream the other night about Grandma. She was in the early stages of Alzheimer's in the dream, the disease that took her life Thanksgiving Day 2011. We were at a mall of some sort and she had wondered off somewhere. Once I found her she was very confused. Throughout the dream I could tell she recognized me but didn't remember my name until the very end of the dream. I believe the dream wasn't really about her, but about my new boyfriend who is HIV-positive.

Alzheimer's is nothing to sneeze at. It is terrible for the person who has it and everyone who loves them. It steals away chunks of memory and as these memories fade away the person becomes very confused and frustrated. Alzheimer's can also make the person hallucinate which is something that plagued Grandma toward the end. I remember her telling me one time that a man she didn't recognize was standing next to her father, who she claimed was directly in front of her while we were talking.

As I analyzed the dream, one of the few remembered recently, I realized that I'm not dreaming of her, but of my new boyfriend. He's HIV positive and while I'm not scared of catching it because we are always safe when we have sex, I am frightened of how this disease will affect him, and consequently affect myself. I've never seriously dated anyone how is positive before, so my mind is processing all these unconscious thoughts and emotions through the hidden metaphors in the dream.

I had to use all the mental power I could muster to stay focused on analyzing how I feel about it, because I am very scared about this disease and the mortality issues that come along with it. My mind did not want to think about it at all. Every little distraction bubbled into my conscious mind and carried me away from the thoughts that really mattered. After about an hour's thought, I realized that anyone could get into a fatal accident while driving or walking or working in an office or even just taking a shower.

My mind was so jarred by that revelation that I can see life from an entirely new perspective. Living for today is the only way to be truly happy. No one knows what tomorrow holds or even the next hour or minute will hold. Looking forward to the future and having long-term goals is important, but without living for today it is all for nothing.

Dating someone who is HIV positive

This week, I started seeing this guy that lives around the corner from me. We almost instantly connected, something that hasn't happened to me in a long time. He's sweet, attractive, kind, giving, and the sexual energy between us is AMAZING! The only hitch is he is positive.

He told me on our first date and I was a little shocked. I let the date continue and run it's course. After he left, I stayed up for hours considering what exactly my feelings were about the issue. I did research into it, because I have never dated anyone who was HIV positive before. I thought about how my life would be affected by this. Sure, safe sex is a must, but more than that the road ahead would be rocky.

The complete impact of this is still unknown to me. I may loose friends, but if I do then they weren't really my friends to begin with. My parents would surely have tons of things to say about it, and I'll have to stand my ground with them. I may have to take care of him if things take a turn for the worse, which I am more than willing to do.

The biggest worry I have is becoming positive myself. Sure, it's not the death sentence it once was, but the thought still scares me. There are drugs that help prevent catching it, but I've never liked taking daily medication. There's even a cure/vaccine in the works which I have read about in multiple publications and it sounds very promising but still a few years away.

All of this may not be an issue, because the last guy I seriously dated told me this week that he was positive. I didn't know at the time, so we weren't safe. He said it was undetectable, so I should be ok, but the last time I was tested was back in October, when I was seeing him, so it wouldn't have shown up on the test. I will be getting tested Saturday, just to make sure.

If the test comes back positive, I'm sure to be an emotional wreck. Who do I tell first? The guy I'm currently dating? My best friend? Surely not my parents or roommates...yet. I'm trying not to think about it until I know for sure. All I know is I'm going to need someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright.

Ultimately, I've decided that I am not going to let his status affect how I feel about him. He is genuinely a great guy with a huge heart. The more I learn about him the more I like him. I feel like I'm falling in love with him. We've seen each other the last 3 nights and have plans for tonight too.

We haven't had sex yet, which is a good thing because I do need to get tested and know my status before entering into that. Plus, the tension is building and it's going to make our first time all the better. We've talked about our likes and dislikes in that department and it's a very good match, and just fooling around has got both of us hot and bothered.

At any rate, I'll be updating this blog more now that I've got a good struggle to share with the world. Maybe someone will read this and it will help with a similar situation...I can only hope.

Bad Mood

All day, I've been struggling to get out of a funk. I have had a short temper. I yelled at inanimate objects. I punished myself all day for everything I've ever done wrong. Slowly, I am becoming happy again.

I woke up in such a foul mood. I tried all the ujsual pre-work things: jog, breakfast, hot shower, even masturbation. None of them helped in the least. In fact, each seemed to push me deeper into anger.

Finally, my anger set its sight on me. Psychologists call this depression. I was so focused on this, I didn't recognize it happening. After hours of self-deprecation, I asked myself a simple question...

What are 3 good things happening right now in my life?

Once I answered this question, I felt ten times better! My answers were: the angel sent from heaven that is my boyfriend, earning a paycheck after 2 years of unemployment, and my 83 days of not smoking cigarettes. All 3 are huge mood lifters!

The more I focus on these three things, the happier I become and the less judgemental I get about everything.

Holiday

It's a holiday weekend and guess what? I've got 3 days off in a row. The best part of all of this is my boyfriend has to work every day! I have greatly enjoyed our Saturday hikes recently and am slightly perturbed that we are not doing anything much this weekend.

On top of that, he is working with this bitch that just brings everyone down. That negativity comes home to me and puts up stupid un-needed barriers between us. It took over 4 hours for us to settle last night. The residue is still there this morning :(

I thought about going up there and telling him to chill out because all of his energy is affecting everyone there and everyone they come into contact with for at least a few hours. I didn't out of respect for my boyfriend, but I am not going to put up with this much longer...nor is my boyfriend.

It makes me think about Oprah's final show. One thing that really hit home with me was the quote "You are responsible for the energy you bring into this space." The bitch is not following this rule, but I am certain that he does not know how to be happy and send out good energy in the first place.

At any rate, I'm not sure how I am going to resolve this issue. I want my boyfriend to just quit, but I'm not going to ask him to do that. I want to get this bitch to be happy, but I'm not sure what's wrong with him in the first place. I want to get the bitch to not work there anymore, fired or quit both fit the bill.

Deep down, what I really want is for my boyfriend to be in a good mood when he comes home. It is difficult to let all the stress and thoughts of work go. Many days, I can dissipate the negative on my 30-45 minute mainly interstate commute. My boyfriend's commute is only 10 minutes and all surface streets, so it is probably difficult for him to cast away all the crap.

I pray that a solution is found and found quickly, because our relationship needs an injection of happiness from both of us. I'm not sure when that's gonna happen :(

Motherly Resentment

Today I remembered that my mother told me when I was young a gay man is a man who has a wife and children and then leaves them. Instantly the thought buried itself again, but it was too late. Parts of my consciousness had become aware of this fact and gears began to turn.

This was right about the same time I keep tracing certain things back to. A time when I attributed my brother's failure in college to my success in computers. A time when the isolation started. A time when straight As when to Bs & Cs & Fs. The first time when I dated a girl...OMG! Yes, a time when I stopped being myself.

I allowed, probably even wanted, my mother's definitions to define me. When I told her that, I may have wanted to know her reaction to me coming out to her and it shoved me way back in the closet. No one can say for certain. All I know now is I do not know myself very well. The more I learn, the less I feel I know.

Today, I realized that I lost out on the last 20+ years of my life because of one thing my mother said to me when I was 8 or 9. I have been acting as if I hold her responsible and I do feel as though she's responsible for all the failing in my life because I was not allowed to be me.

Happy New Years

Tonight, I was in the bathroom, poised and ready. The knife was in my hand. I had had enough! As I moved the knife over to my wrist, I started shaking. "Do it!" kept coming out of my mouth. And to think, I was happy just 2 weeks ago.

It all started when a small group of us went to the gay bar downtown. We had an awesome time! An old friend from high school was up there, who we all knew. He introduced me to a guy and that's when this suicide snowball started rolling.

We seen each other on 3 occasions since then. The first two times were great, but the third didn't go so well. He was drunk and flirting with all the guys (myself included). Not cool. I got jealous, but don't let it show in a good way and things turned from not good to bad.

Whose fault was it? Both of ours. I should have planted a big wet kiss on him as we said goodbye that night, but I was just too angry to see that's what needed to happen.

On top of that, my best friend left for CO yesterday, a family members house was burglarized Wednesday (uber-scary), and my friend in SC is giving me bad advice all around.

So, I was standing there with the knife perpendicular to my wrist. I could see my blood pressure sky rocket as the veins pulsed. I became almost light-headed, my blood about to boil over with rage. I took a look in the mirror and my rage melted into tears.

At that moment, I realized that I had become exactly what I hated. I was being atrociously selfish. It's gonna be a long, arduous, and sad road, but I'm not giving up.

Fear of Anarchy

While watching one of my favorite shows, Desperate Housewives, I had a bit of an anxiety attack. There was a riot on Wisteria Ln and it was really chaotic. Thanks to our friend foreshadowing, I consciously knew it was coming, so I was able to keep it minimum.

It reminded me of my first day of kindergarten. Peering through the doorway, I saw pure chaos and begged my mom to take me with her to work. Luckily for mom, my cousin was in the same class. She took my hand and pulled me into the abyss.

Kindergarten was very different from the first school I attended. It was a religious pre-k. Everything was very ordered. I hated it. The problem was the formal curriculum. It was just a repeat of what I already knew.

That first day of kindergarten, I figured if the school where everyone was sitting and orderly didn't teach me anything how could the opposite teach me?

I wasn't seeing the whole situation. I only saw the chaos. I didn't see the smiles on these kids faces. Obviously, it wasn't too chaotic for my mom to leave me there. Plus, I did have a good time once my anxiety passed.

Sleeping with the ex- ... again

The ex-girlfriend I slept with in December, who I'll refer to a E, has grown to be my friend once again. I thought for sure once E had moved an hour away she'd be somewhat out of my hair, but I was so wrong. Recently E came down for a visit, invited one of her buddies over and before I knew it, E was finger-cuffed.

Being bisexual, the addition of another guy really turns me on, even if I can only look. E knew this from the start and that's why she invited the other guy to come over. I don't hold it against her, because I did have a good time. Needless to say, this has happened again and again.

From these activities, I have netted some alone time with two guys and have other prospects. I think for most guys it's about getting past the need to define sexuality. Seeing another guy naked and sharing a women with him are excellent at breaking down that barrier. I'm quite surprised I hadn't thought of this earlier.

The Procrastinating Rebel

A couple weeks ago, I read that procrastination is a form of rebellion by way of avoidance. I was shocked at this! My brain was buzzing with activity. Eventually I got to the thought, 'I must harbor some resentment, anger, contempt, etc. for some one and/or some state and/or some action.' Since then, I have noticed more than a few of my procrastination triggers.
#1 Trigger: My Boss

Every bad boss (so few are good) I've ever had has been horribly ill-equipped to perform my job and don't know how to communicate properly. Either of these attributes make me procrastinate at work.

My favorite job was waiting tables at IHOP. Sure, I smelled of syrup after 10 hours and 2 showers, but my boss was the best. She could do every bit of work in that restaurant from serving to cooking to management stuff to rowdy club crowds. Plus, when it's busy (or dead) it's time to go home already!?!

The simplest solution is to not have a boss, but be my own boss. A better solution is to get into management. The best solution would be to win the lottery, only problem is I don't play.

Distractions vs. Triggers

Triggers cause the procrastination. These shouldn't be confused with a distraction, which is what I call the action performed while procrastinating another action. I've got tons for distractions:

• TV
• Facebook
• Delicious
• Slashdot
• Food
• Cigarettes
• Playing with the cat
• Driving the car

The list goes on and on. None of these, by themselves, cause procrastination.
When a trigger combines with a distraction, motivation for procrastinating does increase a bit. That means avoiding distractions helps, but only a bit.

Discovering and avoiding triggers is the better way, in my opinion. It's helped me to learn about myself and why I do the things I do. It's a long and arduous journey, but it's definitely worth it.

Flexible Plans

Every night, before bed, I run through what I have to do the next day. I used to played the whole day out. Wake up at a certain time, exercise at a certain time, eat at certain times. It worked very well, and most days I can get a lot done. When one thing had to be pushed, the whole day was off and I did not get anything done.

The problem was putting it on a time line, so I changed it up. I now visualize myself just doing, and finishing, the different tasks, putting as few time constraints as possible. For instance, I can exercise at any time, but the water bill has to be paid during the day. The ´day´ visuals don´t include the sun or shadows, but does include day time light.

Tasks are ordered by priority in my run through. This prevents my unconscious from automatically assigning a time line. Plus, if I decide to do the visualizations a second time and fall asleep in the middle, only the more important tasks get repeated.

Doing this every night can and will improve your performance. Remember to keep it positive and do not visualize anything bad, i.e. no lines at the store/bank/office. We all do make our own reality. Why not weave some of the fabric of tomorrow, today?

10 Ways to Stay Motivated

We are all motivated every second we are awake. Motivation to stare at the TV, cook dinner, surf facebook, or even go to bed. Goals require us to hold that motivation. Keeping up that motivation can be somewhat difficult. Here are some ways to stay motivated:

1. Stay Realistic
    This is paramount! Stepping beyond the realm of reality can quickly deflate motivation.
   
2. Focus on the End Result
    I´m not talking about the goal, but the result of completing that goal. For instance, if your goal is to be debt free, focus on sleeping well at night or all the money you´ll be able to save. If your goal is to loose weight, focus on looking good in that hot bathing suit you saw the other day. Remember that some goals require you to take a few steps back in the beginning.
   
3. Focus on the Task at Hand
    To quote one of my favorite movies, ¨Don´t feel overwhelmed, just do one thing at a time.¨ Never focus on all the steps you still have left. This will only kill your motivation. Instead, focus on doing the current step to the best of your ability.
   
4. Change your Computer Wallpaper
    This is super simple and reminds you every time you see your desktop. $100 bills stacked into $10,000 or that hot swimsuit (on a mannequin) are good examples. Remember, stay realistic, i.e. do not photoshop your head on someone else´s body.
   
5. Avoid Temptation
    Hide anything that could tempt you away from your goal. Put it somewhere you never go and never think about. Even give it away or destroy it all together, if necessary.
   
6. Place Clever Reminders
    Putting up tons of reminders only makes you look crazy, but having a few that are well placed will keep you looking sane. Anything that may tempt you should have a reminder. Create a sleeve for your bank/credit cards using the picture from #4. Put a sign inside the fridge/pantry/freezer that blocks access to any calorie rich food.
   
7. Squash Negative Thoughts
    Staying motivated means staying positive. If a negative thought comes to mind, you have to squash it immediately with a positive one, using present tense.  Even a generic thought like ¨I´m determined to do this¨ or ¨I´m keeping on¨ will stave off negativity for at least a short bit.
   
8. Meditate
    This can bring focus to many things, motivation being one. Don´t know how? Read how to meditate.
   
9. Pray
    God makes everything happen. I think that says it all.
   
10. Talk to Family and Friends
     Talking about your goal makes is all the more real. Sharing it will others, seeing that look in their eyes that they might want to do the same can set your motivation on fire. Beware of negativity that can put that fire out as quickly as it was ignited.

Call to Action

I am your classic underachiever: I do the bare bare minimum in everything I do. When I wash dishes, I don't dry them or wipe off the counter afterward. And cleaning the oven, I use the excuse of not having the cleaner. This is how I have lived most of my life, in the shadow of procrastination.

As with anything psychological, the first step is admitting you have a problem. I have prayed almost every day this year for help and God has delivered, as the Lord always does. The Lord has opened my eyes and ignited the desire to do better.

Now comes the hard part ... change. More action. Changes don't happen overnight, but at the same time, progress needs to be made everyday. At least, not taking any steps back if possible. I'm staying off Backstep St at all costs!

Being Gay

An old lover from high school came for a quick visit a few weeks ago. He was acting quite strange during our lunch. It wasn't until a chat on facebook with him that made me realize he is very scared of being gay.

He's spent the last 12 years of his life being straight and seeing me again stirred up old feelings. Feelings that should have been dealt with years ago. Instead, those feelings have been repressed for so long that now he's started to doubt himself and has lost some of his confidence.

During our chat, he mentioned numerous times that being straight has many benefits. He sees how gay people are excluded on certain levels, how it's an uphill battle, how it's not always easy. All that's true.

What he doesn't realize is that lying to yourself, is excluding a part of yourself. Repressing a desire is not the answer. It will only cause fear and anxiety. I'm not advocating immorality here, but every desire we have must be fulfilled or resolved in some other positive way.

Be Nice!

My brother is an ass. During cookouts, he sits outside the whole time. He does absolutely no food prep or clean up. Well, today is a cookout. Currently, he's sitting outside, getting drunk while his wife, who has been working since 8 this morning, is still prepping food.

It's the same again and again. He didn't even get up today until 2 pm. Now, it's rush rush rush to get things complete. Things could have been completed this morning, if he had gotten up earlier.

The sad part is that he's gonna end up alone. His clear disregard for the happiness of those around him is gonna back fire on him ... one day. His son will graduate school in just over 2 years and then join the military. Soon after, I foresee his wife leaving too.

We must treat everyone with the proper respect. Every living creature deserves their proper amount. Even I am guilty of this disregard, as I don't try to help, but just sit back. What is one to do in this situation?

Depression

Well, the job ended. Some things are in the works, but nothing like what it was last month. I've spent the last 2 weeks pretty much on the couch. Until yesterday, I was getting off the couch enough to do the household chores. I just sit and vegetate. I have no desire to go out into the world anymore. It's like I feel disconnected from everyone and everything.

Today, an old lover and I had lunch. After almost a decade, we both felt the fire, but nothing came of it. I came home and laid on the couch for a good 3 hours thinking. In the past, I was always the initiator. Today, like every day for months, I just didn't have the spunk. The old me would have been all over that. A great time would be had by all.

Instead, I choose to sit at home alone. Not having a great time. Hear that damn Cymbalta music constantly in my head! Feeling guilty about the failed day. Knowing I could have owned today. Same day like every other day for months.

Alzheimer's

I went to sit with Grandma today. I don't go to visit as often as I should, because I can't take seeing her in the state she's in. Complete lucidity doesn't come around for her anymore. She was able to get two complete thought out, "I so mixed up," and, "I'm scared."

Twice, she talked about "a man with a cane." There was no man there, but she seemed to be looking at someone. Could it just be a memory? a hallucination? an angel? God? Maybe it was all of the above.

For the first time, I'm seeing things from her point of view and it is very scary. It breaks my heart to no end. NO END.

The Struggle Continues

Well, It's been a couple weeks since I posted on here. It feels like forever. The job is going ok. Busy, busy, busy! If anyone wants to kid themselves, feel free to think that your to do list is too long when you're unemployed!

I'm thinking about doing the uber-man again. It has come back around again and again. There are still plenty of hoops to jump through before the switch can happen, like quit smoking. It's not gonna be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. Just takingg it one step at a time.

I even got out of the house and mingled with the drunken public at 3 bars downtown this weekend. A group of us from high school got together. It was great ... me and 4 girls! 4 guys, not counting me, came back to my friend's house with us. Only 1 got laid. I would have taken home a pair of guys, had my dancing not sucked! At least I got up and danced. Everyone had fun.

Employed!

Well, I got a call back today from that interview I did a month ago. I start tomorrow! Yay! I'm too thrilled. The money's right. The work environment is relaxed. I even know one of my coworkers! It's shaping up nicely.

There's a down side, as there always is. The position is contract, so no overtime or benefits and I'll pay taxes out of pocket. Also, I'll have to supply my own computer for work. (read: bring my laptop to work with me!) Plus, the route I'm currently taking has a lot of road construction.

OK, now for the positives. Contract work means I get 100% of my money! Watch out savings account, b/c daddy's bringing home more than double what unemployment's paying and you're getting the difference + the $25 a week I'm saving now! Money! Money! Money! Moooney! ... Mooonneey!

Did I go a little overboard on that one? Oh, my tax money's gonna gain interest too! Mooonneey! LMAO! House! Roadhouse! (That too.) Sorry, I'm just overjoyed about the job! And if you didn't get that last part, you've missed at least 2 hilarious episodes of Family Guy this season, JSYK!

Back to positives: I can bring some music with me on my laptop! And once the road construction is done, my route will run much smoother and have few red lights :) I love fewer red lights!

PS: Yes, I have been celebrating tonight!

Exercising: Stage 3, Week 1

I've been exercising on and off for the past 4 months. It's been a battle. The scale never seems to work in my favor. My stomach somehow looks worse when the scale does work in my favor! Why! Oh, Why!

A week ago, I finally realized that getting the muscular body I want is gonna happen in stages. Each stage will have a mini-goal and require me to change one habit, eating or exercising. The first two stage, I've already done:

Stage 1: Begin Exercising
Stage 2: Eat Healthier (2 Fruits & 3 Veggies Daily)

Stage 3: Building Muscle

I'm doing cardio and strength training 6 days a week. My eating habits will stay the same. (read: junk food is still unrestricted) Increasing my meat intake can be beneficial, but I won't worry if I don't. 6 weeks of exercising 6 days a week, starting 1/21. One Week Down!!!

My scale is in the closet. It can be a great de-motivator! Also, I am required to wear at least an A-shirt in front of the mirror. My belly looks worse since I started :( My arms are developing nicely though, so me posing in the mirror with a shirt is an awesome motivator...maybe I'll post y'all a pic.

Stage 4: Melting the Fat

Eating habits are the focus here. An optimal balance of Protein/Carbs/Fat/Salt must be found. Cardio & Strength Training will continue. More on this stage to come.

Stage 5: ?????

This stage, being a whole 2 stages out, I'm not so sure about. Maybe it'll be time to join a gym or get a bowflex? Que cera cera!