Goodbye 2009!

What a year it's been! I've lost my job, my boyfriend, my self. It hasn't been the best year on record, but it hasn't been the worst either. To me, next year holds the promise of a brighter future.

This year has shaped me considerably. I've rediscovered things I had forgotten. God is on the top of that list. I used some of the time of get to know myself again. Not to mention loosing 15 pounds over the year!

Next year, the goals are coming! I've got 11 goals for the year, to better 3 main areas: Finances, Sexiness, & Learning. I've been working in those areas for the past few months and made some progress, but much more progress, about 6-8 months, is required to get to a level where I am satisfied.

Update on the sleeping schedule: Since I stopped drinking caffeine after 7p, I'm in bed by midnight and up by 8. It's nice to have the mornings back, even if I do just piddle around...

Sleeping with the ex-

Last night, I was hanging out with my ex-girlfriend. We had some drinks and before I knew it, I was doing something I thought I was sure to regret. Once I realized what a bad idea it was, I jumped off of her, flinged the condom off, zipped up my pants, and barfed in the bathroom.

Afterward, I am actually ok with what happened. I don't harbor any ill feelings about her or what happened last night. We are both quite sexual and she is willing to do some things that I've been wanting to try, involving a woman and another man.

Now, I try not to label myself, but if you must classify me: I'm a 5 on the Kinsey Scale. That basically means I love men, but I'll sleep with a woman. I've found that most people aren't gay or straight, but somewhere in the middle. If you have a problem with that, you need to have a conversation with your sexual unconscious.

Compromising with Yourself

I've let myself slip on what I am supposed to be doing. Getting back on track is somewhat difficult. I'd rather be doing 20 other things than what I have to do. I am trying my best to get back on track and it's working. I've even decided to compromise with myself on some key issues.

Firstly, from the time I wake up until 7p, I can have as much caffeine as I want. After 7p, I can't have any! This will not only help me sleep at night, but help me get up in the mornings! While this time is not set in stone, repercussions will be lack of quality sleep.

Secondly, I love White Cheddar Popcorn. I usually buy 2-3 of the $2.99 bags a week. I'll sit and eat the whole bag at one sitting if I don't get it often. My compromise is to buy/eat a $0.99 bags a day, 3 days a week. That will cut the amount of salt, and possibly calories, in my diet. I hate being bloated the day after scarfing down a big bag of this stuff!

Thirdly, I will smoke outside when it's day and in the kitchen w/ the exhaust fan on when it's night. Keeping the air semi-clean in the house is important, especially in the polluted place I live. Not only for me, but for my cat, who hates cigarette smoke! As a bonus: I'll sleep better at night not breathing in the smoke.

Lastly, I can only have some store bought candy if I walk to the store. On top of that, I can only buy 1 regular-sized piece per walking visit. If I slip on this one, I'll have to walk an extra 30 minutes as part of my exercise. The store is only 5 minutes away by foot, so I'd make out better walking to the store.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Everyone! OK, I'm a little late, and I have no defense what-so-ever. My Christmas was great! I got zip from Dad, except an unpaid delivery job of a present for someone else. Not that I really deserve a present from him, but he could have at least given me a card.

I got the standard gifts from Mom: socks, underwear, etc. It wasn't much, but I took home plenty of leftovers and gained 3 pounds over the last few days. Some of that is water weight b/c of some salty, but good, food.

All in all, this year's gifts to me sucked. I am glad I was able to give the youngest member of the extended family some cash, made his day. He thanked me at least 4 times, his smile making me smile every time.

Early Christmas Present

Merry Christmas!

I got an early present from Santa this year, a night's sleep. I slept from 11p to 5:30a. It was wonderful to sleep at night. I can't wait to see what else Santa got me. Yes, I am 29 and my Mom still insists on writing 'From: Santa' on presents. I'll be heading over there this evening.

I got all my shopping done yesterday at K-Mart. Only 1 person is younger than me, my nephew, so he gets the most. Everyone else is limited to $6 presents. I kinda feel like Scrooge. It's hard when I want to get everyone good gifts, but I'm on unemployment. At least I'm able to give my nephew some cash.

Luckily, I don't have to worry about food for the next week. I did my grocery shopping too and my fridge is almost slap full and will be when I get back from Mom's house. She and my aunt always cook too much, but we always get plastic food containers as presents.

Well, I've been a major slacker the last 2 days on my list. I've done the "must do" items but everything else has been pushed back. I reset most everything that was overdue so that it's not overdue anymore. Guilt is setting in on that, but I'm not gonna let it get to me, because it's Christmas and I need to learn to forgive my own short comings. Jesus would want it that way.

Doing Homework

After researching the uberman sleep schedule more, I have come to the conclusion that quitting smoking will make the sleep schedule more difficult. On top of that, I love my caffeine, but I can still have a bit of caffeine on the schedule.

Fully researching something will either motivate you or kill the idea. You should always know what you're getting into. Whether it's buying a computer or investing your money, understanding the majority of the layman information can greatly improve your decisions.

Making blind decisions can turn from good to bad in a heart beat. Even with religion, I don't believe blindly. I know, from experience, that God, and the devil, and angels for that matter, do exist. For instance, when I was quitting smoking, it helped greatly to ask and receive a hug from Jesus. The calming sensation is definitely out of this world.

Alcohol, Sleep, & Christmas

Ahh. An evening of drinks after I woke up at 5p. It was Diet Pepsi and Captain Morgan's. Now that I have slacked during the first 9 hours of my day it's time to get moving. I must correct my sleep schedule in order to get back to being on top of things.

I'd like to switch to the uberman schedule, but that won't happen this week, as I am supposed to be at my Mom's for Christmas and I can't be sleep deprived. I'm gonna try to pull it back so that I am awake by 2p on Thursday.

I'm such a procrastinator. Here is it 3 days until Christmas and I have yet to do a single bit of shopping. I always wait until the last minute, and every year I say I will have 90% done my 12/1 next year. At least I have most everyone's present figured out. Maybe I'll run up to Walmart early Wednesday morning?

It's All Too Easy Today

After yesterday's slacking, it's all going quite easily today. I was able to get up at 12:30 and enjoy half of the day. Almost everything's done for the day and I'm gonna start on tomorrow's list in just a bit.

I believe I've hit the point in my natural cycle where I am active again. In another month or two, I'll be down again for a couple weeks. Life's like that: a cycle of ups and downs.

Like Meatloaf said, "Some days it don't come easy. Some days it dont come hard." Someone else once said, we need the bad times so we can appreciate the good. I'm gonna keep these quotes with me on my good days, and hopefully they'll stick around for the bad as well.

Slack a Day a Week

Saturday was my slack day. I only had 15 things to do. That's half of what I normally do. I took it to extreme and did only the basics. Now, I play catch up.

I've been doing that a lot, playing catch up. It's mainly because I don't sleep at night. That greatly affects my routine. I usually do my chores late at night. Then, once I wake up, it's time to slack or time to get out of the house.

I really need to do something about my sleep schedule. I have said that many times. I did get some Sprite, which is caffeine free, but I just can't stomach the HFCS after not ingesting it for so long. I'll try the Sprite Zero this week coming up. Caffeine has to be playing some role in my sleep, or lack thereof.

Turn Anger Into Action

I realized something today while I was slacking off: I am angry with myself. I've been a slacker for a long time. I know where it has gotten me: nowhere! I also know where it will take me: nowhere!

Those 4 thoughts in conjunction lit a fire under my butt. That motivation has lasted. I've been at it for almost 3 hours, with plenty of breaks, and I'm almost done for Friday. I still feel the motivation to finish these final 5 tasks before 5:30a.

This anger with oneself is a double-edged sword though. I once heard that depression is anger with oneself, and I believe it. I went for a visit there today before I deflected the fire of anger to my tasks.

I accomplished this, or maybe my subconscious did it, with by combine those 4 thoughts. Becoming the opposite of the trait I didn't like.

Perhaps it's some sort of defense mechanism kicking in. In the past, when depression struck, I had suicidal thoughts. I could never do it. The mere thought of my cat's stress level after my death would stop me, not to mention any family.

For what ever reason, I'm liking the results, so I guess I'm doing the brain training to continue doing that! I like it!

Motivation Always Comes

I laid down last night at 11p. I felt sleep coming. I was on the verge of falling asleep when my mind turned right back on. I got up at 11:40p and worked on my to do list. At least I tried to go to sleep. Looking back, I realized that I'd had too much caffeine to go to sleep. On top of that, I had things left on my to do list, so guilt kept cropping up in my brain.

The motivation to lay down last night came out of nowhere. For several weeks, my sleep schedule has been whacked. I've wanted to fix it since the second sleepless night. That lasting desire bubbled up from the lasting sleep schedule problem. Motivation came from that lasting desire. This somewhat explains why I started back smoking.

Today, motivation cropped up again and I've done most of my to do list. I've got maybe 2 hours of stuff left, one being my hour walk. I'm only gonna have one can of soda between now and bed. Maybe, I'll be able to sleep by 1a. Today, I slept from 6a to 3p. I'll try to limit my sleep to 8 hours for tonight. TGTIF!

Cafe World

OK, so my new vice is this Facebook game Cafe World. I haven't played any game heavily on that site since farm town. They are so time consuming. I could be using my time more constructively.

I'm not sure what's so addicting about these games. Maybe it's figuring out what to cook to level the quickest. The answer, at least for levels less than 10 is Chips & Guacamole. It gives you 5 CP and cooks in 3 minutes, so you're done in 3:45 to 4:00. I'm only level 7 right now, so I haven't tested out the later recipes.

Maybe it's just the click click click-happiness of it all. I do love click-happy games. Especially time-based, click-queued games. The kind where you can tell the avatar to do 20 things in a specific order and they do it, all while beating a time-bonus clock.

Another Sleepless Night

I went to bed at 4a again. I set my alarm but forgot to setup the coffee, so I turned off the alarm and slept to 3p. Now, there is no chance of me sleeping tonight.

I've spent the last 3 hours doing my chores. I'm almost done, down to 4: drawing, teeth, journal, and imagining tomorrow. I can't tell you how much imagining tomorrow helps. It sets me up for success! I guess I'll get a jump start on tomorrow's list tonight.

I added drawing to my daily activities. I'm trying to be more creative. Yesterday was the third day doing it and I drew a pencil in pencil. It looked ok, for a beginner. I learned a bit more about shading with a pencil, which can be somewhat difficult. When shading the pencil, I didn't put the shading darkest right underneath the pencil, but straddled it on the line of the pencil...ooops!

Motivator for Exercise

I just did my 60 minute walk around the couch and my upper body strength training. I feel awesome. Partly due to my shadow while I was doing my tricep curls. It looked hot! Classic V-shape torso with arms with more muscle than fat.

Of course, I am only somewhat near where I want to be. Plus, getting up and doing it was a whole issue. Sometimes, you just need to light a fire under your own butt. Seeing that shadow will be a welcome motivator to keep up the exercise though.

Sometimes, motivation comes in the strangest forms. It was somewhat warm in my house this evening, so I decided to take off my shirt. That's something I rarely do. If I had kept my shirt on, I wouldn't have seen my shadow.

What's your motivation?

Sleep & Slackin

Another sleepless night. I finally fell asleep about 6a and slept until 2:30p. What are my options?

• Switch to uberman sleep schedule
• Only sleep for 6 hours a night and force myself to stay awake until at least 11p.
• Stay up all night and all day and sleep at 11p and up by 7a.

All of these options require me to stay on top of my sleep schedule for the next 7-10 days. I would really like to switch to the uberman, but as previously stated, I'd have to give up caffeine.

I could switch from Diet Pepsi to Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi. Yuck! Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit. Sprite was a fav of mine a few years ago. No caffeine there! Maybe.

Anyways, Mr. Slacker has followed me from yesterday into today. I only had 25 things to do and did 5 early this morning. I'm now down to 12, but I did bump a few. I guess I'm a big slacker on Saturday and Sunday is getting back into the groove. lol.

Saturday is Officially My Fun Day

Well, I did finish almost everything from yesterday's to do list before bed. I even went to bed at 3 and I was up by 11. I set my alarm for 9, but didn't setup the coffee. I have slacked most of the day. I need to get up earlier on Saturday to be productive.

Luckily, I've setup my to do list, so almost everything is setup daily. Some tasks are A, B and C tasks. These have 3 different things. For instance, one of my cleaning tasks is: A=>Laundry, B=>Sort or Place Stuff, C=>Computer Files. My A days are MWF, and C days are Sunday, with B taking up the rest.

That was how it was setup. I'm gonna make one small change:No Saturday Task for ABCs. That'll tame down my Saturday. I only had to change one task, which was the other cleanup task. I had notated that B days were Bathroom, Kitchen, & Car rotating through the B days. I just moved the Car to the Sunday (C) rotation.

Total Number of tasks skipped on Saturday now is 10!

PS: I'm a linux geek too, so I use {Bathroom,Kitchen} notation.

Cleaning the Kitchen

Yesterday, I spoke too soon on here. I wound up goofing off the rest of the day. I didn't want to clean the kitchen and it didn't get done yesterday. I had 3 tasks that didn't get done yesterday and I rolled them into today. I was able to force myself to clean the kitchen.

I am much happier now that I don't have that looming over my head. The kitchen being clean is a bonus right now, but I will be overjoyed about it when I go to cook something. Having a clean bathroom didn't matter much either, until I took a shower!

Now, if I could get my sleep schedule under control. I slept from 7am to 4pm today. Maybe that's a sign that I should switch to the uberman schedule, but I'd have to give up soda and I'm not willing to do that just yet. One way or another, I've got to work on the sleep schedule, but first I've got to get these 9 other things done.

Job Search

I've been doing pretty good the last few days. I have been exercising and cleaning and working toward my goals. I can't believe how well things are going for me. Now, if I could just get an IT job, I'd be happy.

If you didn't already know, I am unemployed. I have been seeking another job since April 27. If any of you know of a job, I would be very happy to hear from you. My last job was a programmer at a newspaper. My main problem with that job was that it wasn't challenging at all.

Today, I applied for a job I would love to get, but probably won't. It's a small startup looking for a director of engineering - IT/Security. Having run my own business before, I understand all the ins and outs. The only problem is that I don't have the experience, but I know I'd be perfect for the position.

The job search is going slow. How can we move forward without any tech jobs? Sure, improving out highways gives the manual labor people something to do, but what about all the tech jobs? Especially in the south. Sure, I could move out west or up north, but I'd rather stay in the south.

Everything's done!

Wow! I did everything on my to do list before midnight! I was kind of surprised. I even cleaned the bathroom. It is so clean. Now I can have the Queen Mother over for tea and crumpets. LMAO!

Today was a big first step for me. I have been slacking for the last few weeks. Getting back into doing my chores and working towards my goals is wonderful. I'm not out of the woods by any stretch. A relapse is only a motivation free day away.

On the days where the motivation doesn't come, I just need to get up and do something. If I can muster up the motivation to get the ball rolling, then I'll chug right along for an hour or two easy. I'm sure everyone's like that to some degree.

Well, here's to getting stuff done!

Lazy Day

Today has been a lazy day. I woke up at noon from a nice 8 hour sleep. I haven't done much of anything, but somehow things are getting done.. I am no looking forward to cleaning the bathroom, but boy does it need it. It is filthy!

It's just hard for me to get motivated today. Maybe it's the rain. Maybe it's the waking up at noon. Possibly it's me not eating breakfast when I get up at noon. At least some things are getting done.

Well, I'm off to drink an energy drink. We'll see if it gives me the energy to knock out the bathroom.

Meeting Yourself in a Dream

My sleep schedule is completely out of whack. I don't know which way is up and feel like my life has been fragmented into small time blocks. I slept for 4 hours at 8:30p last night and another 4 from 8a this morning. It has been messing with my dreams too.

I had a dream last night about meeting parts of me. It was a somewhat small room and there were 5 or 6 of me, including myself. There was a muscle me. He was HOT! There was the creative uber-gay me. There was a wealthy me. Distinguished in an old fashioned way with a pipe. I don't remember who else was there. It was pretty cool. I was able to ask them questions and learn a little about myself.

This morning, the dream somewhat repeated. Instead of a small room, I was on stage at a large theater. Every seat filled with a different me. Every desire and desire personified as yours truly. I asked the man behind the curtain if I could speak with the ones I spoke with before. He explained that they are fragmented in the audience, and then they appeared, vacating more seats than they could currently occupy.

As I scanned the audience, I noticed a very fat James sitting in the front row chowing down on white cheddar popcorn, my favorite snack. Without thinking, I reached behind me to grab a gun tucked into my pants and shot him. He dropped to the floor, dead.

The man behind the curtain said 'You can't kill anyone here.' He spoke of exile, but recurrent escapes will happen. When I exiled him, several James' with broad shoulders dragged him out, still unconscious. Again, I was able to ask questions.

Someone pointed out that there were black ghosts in the theater. Knowing this was a dream, I pulled out some special glasses and put them on. These removed the dark ghosts from view. Then, every James put on a pair simultaneously.

I guess this dream is fairly straight forward. The man behind the curtain is my subconscious, who whispers to me while I am on stage. Yes, I am gay, for anyone who was wondering.

Sleep Schedule Hell

Well, I made the mistake of lying down at 8:30. I thought, 'Maybe I'll sleep through the night and get up at 5:30 or 6.' Boy was I wrong. I slept 4 hours to half past midnight. Ugh! I will have to do a day of observation, then reschedule out my goal.

I get so angry at myself sometimes for not working towards my goals. I try not to be too hard on myself. Things could be a lot better if I applied myself more, but I think I like being down here in under-achiever town. No one really expects much.

The world keeps turning, everyone satisfied with life enough not to do anything to change it. People aren't really afraid of change. It's the risk of that change bringing something large and negative to the table.

Sleep Update

Well, for the past 2 nights, I've gotten about 6 hours of sleep. I didn't want to get up this morning at all. The smell of coffee was the only driving force for me to get out of bed. I've got to set that up again tonight!

I was up by 9:30 this morning. I'm only 2 and a half hours from my goal of 7. Another few nights and I will have accomplished that. Today feels like a good day. I've done 10 things on my to do list while watching TV on and off this morning.

I've got another 12 things to do and I'll be close to the level I was a few weeks ago. Starting back smoking was a severe step in the wrong direction for me. Once I quit, I'm not going to repeat that mistake!

Sleep Schedule is #1

OK, I have a whacked out sleep schedule. It was normal less than 2 weeks ago, but it is in shambles. I go to bed between 4 and 8 in the morning and sleep until 2 in the afternoon. When the bug man came at 8 this morning, I woke up long just enough for him to come, get paid and go.

My sleep schedule is my #1 concern at the moment. I believe if I can get up by 8a or 9a, then I can get back to doing what I need and what I want to do. Once my sleep schedule is back, my eating schedule will return, as will the exercise schedule.

Here are my current concerns, in order:

1. Sleep Schedule (8a/9a wake up)
2. Money
3. Exercising/Diet
4. Friends & Family

Where was I?

I got to thinking about that uberman thing some more and realized that I need to do a lot more in preparation. For starters, I need to get more into doing my to do list. Once my to do lists are at their max, then the transition can happen.

I don't know where my head was? Possibly in the clouds of having 22 hours a day to be awake. Possibly it was the more vivid dreams from the compressed REM sleep. Maybe I'm just a night owl. At any rate, my head is back on straight now.

I do want to accomplish this, but it's getting put on the "back burner" goal list. Speaking of lists, I need to make a master goal list, divided into categories, such as current, back burner, some day, maybe, etc. I'll do that tonight.

Uberman

Well, before it even got to the starting gate, uberman is a bust. I just can't ask myself to do one more thing. It's hard to keep up the minimal stuff now. Plus, I just love my caffeine too much right now. Maybe in the not so distant future when I have given up soda for good.

I know this is my procrasination and fear of failure rearing its ugly head once again. The truth is that this is a perfect time for this transition. Sure, I'll have to give up soda and coffee for now. I'll be able to have them in moderation after the first few weeks.

It's also late Thursday and the weekend is upon me. I could start Saturday night with a 3 hour sleep cycle from 1-4 or 5-8, then sleep 20 minutes at 12, 4, 8, 12, 4, 8, etc. This would mean no caffeine Saturday after 4PM. Cut off!

I'll also need to get some supplies:

• Bottled Water
• Paper Towels
  
• Rubber Gloves
  
• Newspaper
  
• Toilet Bowl Brush
• Food

I've got my computer as an alarm. You gotta love crons :) Well, nothing definite. Just a maybe...for now.

Still Smoking

Well, I am still smoking. I broke down about 15 minutes into the day. I set myself up for failure though. I smoked inside last night, so the house smelled like an astray. Also, my sleep schedule being jacked up isn't helping matters much.

I am considering the uberman schedule still. It's kind of crazy, but I'd have more energy, more vivid dreams, and more time to do something to get ahead. No matter where I go, I am always welcome to take a quick 20 minute nap. That's the upside of being unemployed: naps!

Well, I posted my goals on my whiteboard and it is motivating me to do things to accomplish them. I've reacched a savings milestone and am only 12 pages from finishing my book (#2 in a set of 9). My weight goal has just been sitting there, so I think I need to change weight to bicep circumference. That could motivate me more to really workout.

Uberman Sleep Schedule

So, I am still awake from Wednesday. Big woop. I had plenty of caffeine. This sleep things has me scouring the internet. I found the Uberman Sleep Schedule. Basically, it's 20 minute naps every 4 hours. Da Vinci was on this schedule.

It gives you 22 hours a day to do whatever you want. Sure, you've got to sleep every 4 hours on schedule without missing a nap, but that wouldn't be hard for me. Dreams would be better too, and I don't remember any of mine now.

This would mean a drastic change to my lifestyle. I'd have to cut out caffeine completely. I wouldn't need it, from what I am reading. People who switched said they had more energy than they knew what to do to with.

There is an adjustment period of 15-30 days. The initial adjustment is only a 5-8 days. After the initial phase, energy would be higher and I can eat more!

This thing has got me intrigued. I am in no way ready to start today, but I do feel like a change is coming.

PS: If I'm not asleep by then, Thursday's no cigarettes starts at 8AM.

Tomorrow w/o Cigarettes

I'm going through a mix of emotions right now about tomorrow.
This circle happens over and over.
It's just a sliver of my crazy.

I know that my fear is not a fear of success but a fear of failure.
My hope dampens the fear with thoughts of one day quitting.
My short-sightedness is saying, "But it's just one day!?!"
I answer, "It will make me stronger."
My fear beckons, "You will fail!".

No Soda Day Was Great

Well, Tuesday, the no soda day, was great! I didn't keel over dead or loose any bodily function. I woke up Wednesday morning, jumped in the shower and went straight up to the store to buy soda. Then, it took me 2 hours to drink a 20 oz. Diet Pepsi. lol.

I think it helped me appreciate soda more, so I'm going ahead with a no smoking day. It's Thursday, tomorrow. I want to go visit a friend tomorrow, but she's a smoker. I may stay home if the cravings get too bad. I stayed home all day Tuesday.

Well, I've got to pull out something I can do with my hands for tomorrow. Maybe I'll clean the house from top to bottom. It needs a thorough cleaning. I did get a small app hacked together yesterday without soda.

I do need a project. Any Suggestions?

Baby Step Quitting

I bought 2 packs of cigarettes yesterday. I lasted until noon. I feel so bad for breaking so quickly. I enjoyed the first few cigarettes. They were heavenly, but the crude and croop started after that. I am determined to quit and I will succeed, just not right now.

Today, I'm attacking another vice: soda. I am not going to drink my favorite soda today. I am planning on having some coffee and possibly an energy drink, but no soda. Just for today. If I make it to tomorrow morning, I'll go to the store and buy a cold one and a six pack.

I'm hoping that quitting for one day will help. I think it will. Quitting soda for today will help with going to sleep earlier from several aspects too. That's wonderful right there.