Bad Mood

All day, I've been struggling to get out of a funk. I have had a short temper. I yelled at inanimate objects. I punished myself all day for everything I've ever done wrong. Slowly, I am becoming happy again.

I woke up in such a foul mood. I tried all the ujsual pre-work things: jog, breakfast, hot shower, even masturbation. None of them helped in the least. In fact, each seemed to push me deeper into anger.

Finally, my anger set its sight on me. Psychologists call this depression. I was so focused on this, I didn't recognize it happening. After hours of self-deprecation, I asked myself a simple question...

What are 3 good things happening right now in my life?

Once I answered this question, I felt ten times better! My answers were: the angel sent from heaven that is my boyfriend, earning a paycheck after 2 years of unemployment, and my 83 days of not smoking cigarettes. All 3 are huge mood lifters!

The more I focus on these three things, the happier I become and the less judgemental I get about everything.

Holiday

It's a holiday weekend and guess what? I've got 3 days off in a row. The best part of all of this is my boyfriend has to work every day! I have greatly enjoyed our Saturday hikes recently and am slightly perturbed that we are not doing anything much this weekend.

On top of that, he is working with this bitch that just brings everyone down. That negativity comes home to me and puts up stupid un-needed barriers between us. It took over 4 hours for us to settle last night. The residue is still there this morning :(

I thought about going up there and telling him to chill out because all of his energy is affecting everyone there and everyone they come into contact with for at least a few hours. I didn't out of respect for my boyfriend, but I am not going to put up with this much longer...nor is my boyfriend.

It makes me think about Oprah's final show. One thing that really hit home with me was the quote "You are responsible for the energy you bring into this space." The bitch is not following this rule, but I am certain that he does not know how to be happy and send out good energy in the first place.

At any rate, I'm not sure how I am going to resolve this issue. I want my boyfriend to just quit, but I'm not going to ask him to do that. I want to get this bitch to be happy, but I'm not sure what's wrong with him in the first place. I want to get the bitch to not work there anymore, fired or quit both fit the bill.

Deep down, what I really want is for my boyfriend to be in a good mood when he comes home. It is difficult to let all the stress and thoughts of work go. Many days, I can dissipate the negative on my 30-45 minute mainly interstate commute. My boyfriend's commute is only 10 minutes and all surface streets, so it is probably difficult for him to cast away all the crap.

I pray that a solution is found and found quickly, because our relationship needs an injection of happiness from both of us. I'm not sure when that's gonna happen :(

Motherly Resentment

Today I remembered that my mother told me when I was young a gay man is a man who has a wife and children and then leaves them. Instantly the thought buried itself again, but it was too late. Parts of my consciousness had become aware of this fact and gears began to turn.

This was right about the same time I keep tracing certain things back to. A time when I attributed my brother's failure in college to my success in computers. A time when the isolation started. A time when straight As when to Bs & Cs & Fs. The first time when I dated a girl...OMG! Yes, a time when I stopped being myself.

I allowed, probably even wanted, my mother's definitions to define me. When I told her that, I may have wanted to know her reaction to me coming out to her and it shoved me way back in the closet. No one can say for certain. All I know now is I do not know myself very well. The more I learn, the less I feel I know.

Today, I realized that I lost out on the last 20+ years of my life because of one thing my mother said to me when I was 8 or 9. I have been acting as if I hold her responsible and I do feel as though she's responsible for all the failing in my life because I was not allowed to be me.