Mortality

I had a dream the other night about Grandma. She was in the early stages of Alzheimer's in the dream, the disease that took her life Thanksgiving Day 2011. We were at a mall of some sort and she had wondered off somewhere. Once I found her she was very confused. Throughout the dream I could tell she recognized me but didn't remember my name until the very end of the dream. I believe the dream wasn't really about her, but about my new boyfriend who is HIV-positive.

Alzheimer's is nothing to sneeze at. It is terrible for the person who has it and everyone who loves them. It steals away chunks of memory and as these memories fade away the person becomes very confused and frustrated. Alzheimer's can also make the person hallucinate which is something that plagued Grandma toward the end. I remember her telling me one time that a man she didn't recognize was standing next to her father, who she claimed was directly in front of her while we were talking.

As I analyzed the dream, one of the few remembered recently, I realized that I'm not dreaming of her, but of my new boyfriend. He's HIV positive and while I'm not scared of catching it because we are always safe when we have sex, I am frightened of how this disease will affect him, and consequently affect myself. I've never seriously dated anyone how is positive before, so my mind is processing all these unconscious thoughts and emotions through the hidden metaphors in the dream.

I had to use all the mental power I could muster to stay focused on analyzing how I feel about it, because I am very scared about this disease and the mortality issues that come along with it. My mind did not want to think about it at all. Every little distraction bubbled into my conscious mind and carried me away from the thoughts that really mattered. After about an hour's thought, I realized that anyone could get into a fatal accident while driving or walking or working in an office or even just taking a shower.

My mind was so jarred by that revelation that I can see life from an entirely new perspective. Living for today is the only way to be truly happy. No one knows what tomorrow holds or even the next hour or minute will hold. Looking forward to the future and having long-term goals is important, but without living for today it is all for nothing.