I had a dream the other night about Grandma. She was in the early stages of Alzheimer's in the dream, the disease that took her life Thanksgiving Day 2011. We were at a mall of some sort and she had wondered off somewhere. Once I found her she was very confused. Throughout the dream I could tell she recognized me but didn't remember my name until the very end of the dream. I believe the dream wasn't really about her, but about my new boyfriend who is HIV-positive.
Alzheimer's is nothing to sneeze at. It is terrible for the person who has it and everyone who loves them. It steals away chunks of memory and as these memories fade away the person becomes very confused and frustrated. Alzheimer's can also make the person hallucinate which is something that plagued Grandma toward the end. I remember her telling me one time that a man she didn't recognize was standing next to her father, who she claimed was directly in front of her while we were talking.
As I analyzed the dream, one of the few remembered recently, I realized that I'm not dreaming of her, but of my new boyfriend. He's HIV positive and while I'm not scared of catching it because we are always safe when we have sex, I am frightened of how this disease will affect him, and consequently affect myself. I've never seriously dated anyone how is positive before, so my mind is processing all these unconscious thoughts and emotions through the hidden metaphors in the dream.
I had to use all the mental power I could muster to stay focused on analyzing how I feel about it, because I am very scared about this disease and the mortality issues that come along with it. My mind did not want to think about it at all. Every little distraction bubbled into my conscious mind and carried me away from the thoughts that really mattered. After about an hour's thought, I realized that anyone could get into a fatal accident while driving or walking or working in an office or even just taking a shower.
My mind was so jarred by that revelation that I can see life from an entirely new perspective. Living for today is the only way to be truly happy. No one knows what tomorrow holds or even the next hour or minute will hold. Looking forward to the future and having long-term goals is important, but without living for today it is all for nothing.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
Dating someone who is HIV positive
This week, I started seeing this guy that lives around the corner from me. We almost instantly connected, something that hasn't happened to me in a long time. He's sweet, attractive, kind, giving, and the sexual energy between us is AMAZING! The only hitch is he is positive.
He told me on our first date and I was a little shocked. I let the date continue and run it's course. After he left, I stayed up for hours considering what exactly my feelings were about the issue. I did research into it, because I have never dated anyone who was HIV positive before. I thought about how my life would be affected by this. Sure, safe sex is a must, but more than that the road ahead would be rocky.
The complete impact of this is still unknown to me. I may loose friends, but if I do then they weren't really my friends to begin with. My parents would surely have tons of things to say about it, and I'll have to stand my ground with them. I may have to take care of him if things take a turn for the worse, which I am more than willing to do.
The biggest worry I have is becoming positive myself. Sure, it's not the death sentence it once was, but the thought still scares me. There are drugs that help prevent catching it, but I've never liked taking daily medication. There's even a cure/vaccine in the works which I have read about in multiple publications and it sounds very promising but still a few years away.
All of this may not be an issue, because the last guy I seriously dated told me this week that he was positive. I didn't know at the time, so we weren't safe. He said it was undetectable, so I should be ok, but the last time I was tested was back in October, when I was seeing him, so it wouldn't have shown up on the test. I will be getting tested Saturday, just to make sure.
If the test comes back positive, I'm sure to be an emotional wreck. Who do I tell first? The guy I'm currently dating? My best friend? Surely not my parents or roommates...yet. I'm trying not to think about it until I know for sure. All I know is I'm going to need someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright.
Ultimately, I've decided that I am not going to let his status affect how I feel about him. He is genuinely a great guy with a huge heart. The more I learn about him the more I like him. I feel like I'm falling in love with him. We've seen each other the last 3 nights and have plans for tonight too.
We haven't had sex yet, which is a good thing because I do need to get tested and know my status before entering into that. Plus, the tension is building and it's going to make our first time all the better. We've talked about our likes and dislikes in that department and it's a very good match, and just fooling around has got both of us hot and bothered.
At any rate, I'll be updating this blog more now that I've got a good struggle to share with the world. Maybe someone will read this and it will help with a similar situation...I can only hope.
He told me on our first date and I was a little shocked. I let the date continue and run it's course. After he left, I stayed up for hours considering what exactly my feelings were about the issue. I did research into it, because I have never dated anyone who was HIV positive before. I thought about how my life would be affected by this. Sure, safe sex is a must, but more than that the road ahead would be rocky.
The complete impact of this is still unknown to me. I may loose friends, but if I do then they weren't really my friends to begin with. My parents would surely have tons of things to say about it, and I'll have to stand my ground with them. I may have to take care of him if things take a turn for the worse, which I am more than willing to do.
The biggest worry I have is becoming positive myself. Sure, it's not the death sentence it once was, but the thought still scares me. There are drugs that help prevent catching it, but I've never liked taking daily medication. There's even a cure/vaccine in the works which I have read about in multiple publications and it sounds very promising but still a few years away.
All of this may not be an issue, because the last guy I seriously dated told me this week that he was positive. I didn't know at the time, so we weren't safe. He said it was undetectable, so I should be ok, but the last time I was tested was back in October, when I was seeing him, so it wouldn't have shown up on the test. I will be getting tested Saturday, just to make sure.
If the test comes back positive, I'm sure to be an emotional wreck. Who do I tell first? The guy I'm currently dating? My best friend? Surely not my parents or roommates...yet. I'm trying not to think about it until I know for sure. All I know is I'm going to need someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright.
Ultimately, I've decided that I am not going to let his status affect how I feel about him. He is genuinely a great guy with a huge heart. The more I learn about him the more I like him. I feel like I'm falling in love with him. We've seen each other the last 3 nights and have plans for tonight too.
We haven't had sex yet, which is a good thing because I do need to get tested and know my status before entering into that. Plus, the tension is building and it's going to make our first time all the better. We've talked about our likes and dislikes in that department and it's a very good match, and just fooling around has got both of us hot and bothered.
At any rate, I'll be updating this blog more now that I've got a good struggle to share with the world. Maybe someone will read this and it will help with a similar situation...I can only hope.
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