Happy New Years

Tonight, I was in the bathroom, poised and ready. The knife was in my hand. I had had enough! As I moved the knife over to my wrist, I started shaking. "Do it!" kept coming out of my mouth. And to think, I was happy just 2 weeks ago.

It all started when a small group of us went to the gay bar downtown. We had an awesome time! An old friend from high school was up there, who we all knew. He introduced me to a guy and that's when this suicide snowball started rolling.

We seen each other on 3 occasions since then. The first two times were great, but the third didn't go so well. He was drunk and flirting with all the guys (myself included). Not cool. I got jealous, but don't let it show in a good way and things turned from not good to bad.

Whose fault was it? Both of ours. I should have planted a big wet kiss on him as we said goodbye that night, but I was just too angry to see that's what needed to happen.

On top of that, my best friend left for CO yesterday, a family members house was burglarized Wednesday (uber-scary), and my friend in SC is giving me bad advice all around.

So, I was standing there with the knife perpendicular to my wrist. I could see my blood pressure sky rocket as the veins pulsed. I became almost light-headed, my blood about to boil over with rage. I took a look in the mirror and my rage melted into tears.

At that moment, I realized that I had become exactly what I hated. I was being atrociously selfish. It's gonna be a long, arduous, and sad road, but I'm not giving up.

Fear of Anarchy

While watching one of my favorite shows, Desperate Housewives, I had a bit of an anxiety attack. There was a riot on Wisteria Ln and it was really chaotic. Thanks to our friend foreshadowing, I consciously knew it was coming, so I was able to keep it minimum.

It reminded me of my first day of kindergarten. Peering through the doorway, I saw pure chaos and begged my mom to take me with her to work. Luckily for mom, my cousin was in the same class. She took my hand and pulled me into the abyss.

Kindergarten was very different from the first school I attended. It was a religious pre-k. Everything was very ordered. I hated it. The problem was the formal curriculum. It was just a repeat of what I already knew.

That first day of kindergarten, I figured if the school where everyone was sitting and orderly didn't teach me anything how could the opposite teach me?

I wasn't seeing the whole situation. I only saw the chaos. I didn't see the smiles on these kids faces. Obviously, it wasn't too chaotic for my mom to leave me there. Plus, I did have a good time once my anxiety passed.