Tonight, I was in the bathroom, poised and ready. The knife was in my hand. I had had enough! As I moved the knife over to my wrist, I started shaking. "Do it!" kept coming out of my mouth. And to think, I was happy just 2 weeks ago.
It all started when a small group of us went to the gay bar downtown. We had an awesome time! An old friend from high school was up there, who we all knew. He introduced me to a guy and that's when this suicide snowball started rolling.
We seen each other on 3 occasions since then. The first two times were great, but the third didn't go so well. He was drunk and flirting with all the guys (myself included). Not cool. I got jealous, but don't let it show in a good way and things turned from not good to bad.
Whose fault was it? Both of ours. I should have planted a big wet kiss on him as we said goodbye that night, but I was just too angry to see that's what needed to happen.
On top of that, my best friend left for CO yesterday, a family members house was burglarized Wednesday (uber-scary), and my friend in SC is giving me bad advice all around.
So, I was standing there with the knife perpendicular to my wrist. I could see my blood pressure sky rocket as the veins pulsed. I became almost light-headed, my blood about to boil over with rage. I took a look in the mirror and my rage melted into tears.
At that moment, I realized that I had become exactly what I hated. I was being atrociously selfish. It's gonna be a long, arduous, and sad road, but I'm not giving up.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Fear of Anarchy
While watching one of my favorite shows, Desperate Housewives, I had a bit of an anxiety attack. There was a riot on Wisteria Ln and it was really chaotic. Thanks to our friend foreshadowing, I consciously knew it was coming, so I was able to keep it minimum.
It reminded me of my first day of kindergarten. Peering through the doorway, I saw pure chaos and begged my mom to take me with her to work. Luckily for mom, my cousin was in the same class. She took my hand and pulled me into the abyss.
Kindergarten was very different from the first school I attended. It was a religious pre-k. Everything was very ordered. I hated it. The problem was the formal curriculum. It was just a repeat of what I already knew.
That first day of kindergarten, I figured if the school where everyone was sitting and orderly didn't teach me anything how could the opposite teach me?
I wasn't seeing the whole situation. I only saw the chaos. I didn't see the smiles on these kids faces. Obviously, it wasn't too chaotic for my mom to leave me there. Plus, I did have a good time once my anxiety passed.
It reminded me of my first day of kindergarten. Peering through the doorway, I saw pure chaos and begged my mom to take me with her to work. Luckily for mom, my cousin was in the same class. She took my hand and pulled me into the abyss.
Kindergarten was very different from the first school I attended. It was a religious pre-k. Everything was very ordered. I hated it. The problem was the formal curriculum. It was just a repeat of what I already knew.
That first day of kindergarten, I figured if the school where everyone was sitting and orderly didn't teach me anything how could the opposite teach me?
I wasn't seeing the whole situation. I only saw the chaos. I didn't see the smiles on these kids faces. Obviously, it wasn't too chaotic for my mom to leave me there. Plus, I did have a good time once my anxiety passed.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sleeping with the ex- ... again
The ex-girlfriend I slept with in December, who I'll refer to a E, has grown to be my friend once again. I thought for sure once E had moved an hour away she'd be somewhat out of my hair, but I was so wrong. Recently E came down for a visit, invited one of her buddies over and before I knew it, E was finger-cuffed.
Being bisexual, the addition of another guy really turns me on, even if I can only look. E knew this from the start and that's why she invited the other guy to come over. I don't hold it against her, because I did have a good time. Needless to say, this has happened again and again.
From these activities, I have netted some alone time with two guys and have other prospects. I think for most guys it's about getting past the need to define sexuality. Seeing another guy naked and sharing a women with him are excellent at breaking down that barrier. I'm quite surprised I hadn't thought of this earlier.
Being bisexual, the addition of another guy really turns me on, even if I can only look. E knew this from the start and that's why she invited the other guy to come over. I don't hold it against her, because I did have a good time. Needless to say, this has happened again and again.
From these activities, I have netted some alone time with two guys and have other prospects. I think for most guys it's about getting past the need to define sexuality. Seeing another guy naked and sharing a women with him are excellent at breaking down that barrier. I'm quite surprised I hadn't thought of this earlier.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
The Procrastinating Rebel
A couple weeks ago, I read that procrastination is a form of rebellion by way of avoidance. I was shocked at this! My brain was buzzing with activity. Eventually I got to the thought, 'I must harbor some resentment, anger, contempt, etc. for some one and/or some state and/or some action.' Since then, I have noticed more than a few of my procrastination triggers.
#1 Trigger: My Boss
Every bad boss (so few are good) I've ever had has been horribly ill-equipped to perform my job and don't know how to communicate properly. Either of these attributes make me procrastinate at work.
My favorite job was waiting tables at IHOP. Sure, I smelled of syrup after 10 hours and 2 showers, but my boss was the best. She could do every bit of work in that restaurant from serving to cooking to management stuff to rowdy club crowds. Plus, when it's busy (or dead) it's time to go home already!?!
The simplest solution is to not have a boss, but be my own boss. A better solution is to get into management. The best solution would be to win the lottery, only problem is I don't play.
Distractions vs. Triggers
Triggers cause the procrastination. These shouldn't be confused with a distraction, which is what I call the action performed while procrastinating another action. I've got tons for distractions:
When a trigger combines with a distraction, motivation for procrastinating does increase a bit. That means avoiding distractions helps, but only a bit.
Discovering and avoiding triggers is the better way, in my opinion. It's helped me to learn about myself and why I do the things I do. It's a long and arduous journey, but it's definitely worth it.
#1 Trigger: My Boss
Every bad boss (so few are good) I've ever had has been horribly ill-equipped to perform my job and don't know how to communicate properly. Either of these attributes make me procrastinate at work.
My favorite job was waiting tables at IHOP. Sure, I smelled of syrup after 10 hours and 2 showers, but my boss was the best. She could do every bit of work in that restaurant from serving to cooking to management stuff to rowdy club crowds. Plus, when it's busy (or dead) it's time to go home already!?!
The simplest solution is to not have a boss, but be my own boss. A better solution is to get into management. The best solution would be to win the lottery, only problem is I don't play.
Distractions vs. Triggers
Triggers cause the procrastination. These shouldn't be confused with a distraction, which is what I call the action performed while procrastinating another action. I've got tons for distractions:
- TV
- Delicious
- Slashdot
- Food
- Cigarettes
- Playing with the cat
- Driving the car
When a trigger combines with a distraction, motivation for procrastinating does increase a bit. That means avoiding distractions helps, but only a bit.
Discovering and avoiding triggers is the better way, in my opinion. It's helped me to learn about myself and why I do the things I do. It's a long and arduous journey, but it's definitely worth it.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Flexible Plans
Every night, before bed, I run through what I have to do the next day. I used to played the whole day out. Wake up at a certain time, exercise at a certain time, eat at certain times. It worked very well, and most days I can get a lot done. When one thing had to be pushed, the whole day was off and I did not get anything done.
The problem was putting it on a time line, so I changed it up. I now visualize myself just doing, and finishing, the different tasks, putting as few time constraints as possible. For instance, I can exercise at any time, but the water bill has to be paid during the day. The ´day´ visuals don´t include the sun or shadows, but does include day time light.
Tasks are ordered by priority in my run through. This prevents my unconscious from automatically assigning a time line. Plus, if I decide to do the visualizations a second time and fall asleep in the middle, only the more important tasks get repeated.
Doing this every night can and will improve your performance. Remember to keep it positive and do not visualize anything bad, i.e. no lines at the store/bank/office. We all do make our own reality. Why not weave some of the fabric of tomorrow, today?
The problem was putting it on a time line, so I changed it up. I now visualize myself just doing, and finishing, the different tasks, putting as few time constraints as possible. For instance, I can exercise at any time, but the water bill has to be paid during the day. The ´day´ visuals don´t include the sun or shadows, but does include day time light.
Tasks are ordered by priority in my run through. This prevents my unconscious from automatically assigning a time line. Plus, if I decide to do the visualizations a second time and fall asleep in the middle, only the more important tasks get repeated.
Doing this every night can and will improve your performance. Remember to keep it positive and do not visualize anything bad, i.e. no lines at the store/bank/office. We all do make our own reality. Why not weave some of the fabric of tomorrow, today?
Sunday, March 28, 2010
10 Ways to Stay Motivated
We are all motivated every second we are awake. Motivation to stare at the TV, cook dinner, surf facebook, or even go to bed. Goals require us to hold that motivation. Keeping up that motivation can be somewhat difficult. Here are some ways to stay motivated:
- Stay Realistic
This is paramount! Stepping beyond the realm of reality can quickly deflate motivation.
- Focus on the End Result
I´m not talking about the goal, but the result of completing that goal. For instance, if your goal is to be debt free, focus on sleeping well at night or all the money you´ll be able to save. If your goal is to loose weight, focus on looking good in that hot bathing suit you saw the other day. Remember that some goals require you to take a few steps back in the beginning.
- Focus on the Task at Hand
To quote one of my favorite movies, ¨Don´t feel overwhelmed, just do one thing at a time.¨ Never focus on all the steps you still have left. This will only kill your motivation. Instead, focus on doing the current step to the best of your ability.
- Change your Computer Wallpaper
This is super simple and reminds you every time you see your desktop. $100 bills stacked into $10,000 or that hot swimsuit (on a mannequin) are good examples. Remember, stay realistic, i.e. do not photoshop your head on someone else´s body.
- Avoid Temptation
Hide anything that could tempt you away from your goal. Put it somewhere you never go and never think about. Even give it away or destroy it all together, if necessary.
- Place Clever Reminders
Putting up tons of reminders only makes you look crazy, but having a few that are well placed will keep you looking sane. Anything that may tempt you should have a reminder. Create a sleeve for your bank/credit cards using the picture from #4. Put a sign inside the fridge/pantry/freezer that blocks access to any calorie rich food.
- Squash Negative Thoughts
Staying motivated means staying positive. If a negative thought comes to mind, you have to squash it immediately with a positive one, using present tense. Even a generic thought like ¨I´m determined to do this¨ or ¨I´m keeping on¨ will stave off negativity for at least a short bit.
- Meditate
This can bring focus to many things, motivation being one. Don´t know how? Read how to meditate.
- Pray
God makes everything happen. I think that says it all.
- Talk to Family and Friends
Talking about your goal makes is all the more real. Sharing it will others, seeing that look in their eyes that they might want to do the same can set your motivation on fire. Beware of negativity that can put that fire out as quickly as it was ignited.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Call to Action
I am your classic underachiever: I do the bare bare minimum in everything I do. When I wash dishes, I don't dry them or wipe off the counter afterward. And cleaning the oven, I use the excuse of not having the cleaner. This is how I have lived most of my life, in the shadow of procrastination.
As with anything psychological, the first step is admitting you have a problem. I have prayed almost every day this year for help and God has delivered, as the Lord always does. The Lord has opened my eyes and ignited the desire to do better.
Now comes the hard part ... change. More action. Changes don't happen overnight, but at the same time, progress needs to be made everyday. At least, not taking any steps back if possible. I'm staying off Backstep St at all costs!
As with anything psychological, the first step is admitting you have a problem. I have prayed almost every day this year for help and God has delivered, as the Lord always does. The Lord has opened my eyes and ignited the desire to do better.
Now comes the hard part ... change. More action. Changes don't happen overnight, but at the same time, progress needs to be made everyday. At least, not taking any steps back if possible. I'm staying off Backstep St at all costs!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Being Gay
An old lover from high school came for a quick visit a few weeks ago. He was acting quite strange during our lunch. It wasn't until a chat on facebook with him that made me realize he is very scared of being gay.
He's spent the last 12 years of his life being straight and seeing me again stirred up old feelings. Feelings that should have been dealt with years ago. Instead, those feelings have been repressed for so long that now he's started to doubt himself and has lost some of his confidence.
During our chat, he mentioned numerous times that being straight has many benefits. He sees how gay people are excluded on certain levels, how it's an uphill battle, how it's not always easy. All that's true.
What he doesn't realize is that lying to yourself, is excluding a part of yourself. Repressing a desire is not the answer. It will only cause fear and anxiety. I'm not advocating immorality here, but every desire we have must be fulfilled or resolved in some other positive way.
He's spent the last 12 years of his life being straight and seeing me again stirred up old feelings. Feelings that should have been dealt with years ago. Instead, those feelings have been repressed for so long that now he's started to doubt himself and has lost some of his confidence.
During our chat, he mentioned numerous times that being straight has many benefits. He sees how gay people are excluded on certain levels, how it's an uphill battle, how it's not always easy. All that's true.
What he doesn't realize is that lying to yourself, is excluding a part of yourself. Repressing a desire is not the answer. It will only cause fear and anxiety. I'm not advocating immorality here, but every desire we have must be fulfilled or resolved in some other positive way.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Be Nice!
My brother is an ass. During cookouts, he sits outside the whole time. He does absolutely no food prep or clean up. Well, today is a cookout. Currently, he's sitting outside, getting drunk while his wife, who has been working since 8 this morning, is still prepping food.
It's the same again and again. He didn't even get up today until 2 pm. Now, it's rush rush rush to get things complete. Things could have been completed this morning, if he had gotten up earlier.
The sad part is that he's gonna end up alone. His clear disregard for the happiness of those around him is gonna back fire on him ... one day. His son will graduate school in just over 2 years and then join the military. Soon after, I foresee his wife leaving too.
We must treat everyone with the proper respect. Every living creature deserves their proper amount. Even I am guilty of this disregard, as I don't try to help, but just sit back. What is one to do in this situation?
It's the same again and again. He didn't even get up today until 2 pm. Now, it's rush rush rush to get things complete. Things could have been completed this morning, if he had gotten up earlier.
The sad part is that he's gonna end up alone. His clear disregard for the happiness of those around him is gonna back fire on him ... one day. His son will graduate school in just over 2 years and then join the military. Soon after, I foresee his wife leaving too.
We must treat everyone with the proper respect. Every living creature deserves their proper amount. Even I am guilty of this disregard, as I don't try to help, but just sit back. What is one to do in this situation?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Depression
Well, the job ended. Some things are in the works, but nothing like what it was last month. I've spent the last 2 weeks pretty much on the couch. Until yesterday, I was getting off the couch enough to do the household chores. I just sit and vegetate. I have no desire to go out into the world anymore. It's like I feel disconnected from everyone and everything.
Today, an old lover and I had lunch. After almost a decade, we both felt the fire, but nothing came of it. I came home and laid on the couch for a good 3 hours thinking. In the past, I was always the initiator. Today, like every day for months, I just didn't have the spunk. The old me would have been all over that. A great time would be had by all.
Instead, I choose to sit at home alone. Not having a great time. Hear that damn Cymbalta music constantly in my head! Feeling guilty about the failed day. Knowing I could have owned today. Same day like every other day for months.
Today, an old lover and I had lunch. After almost a decade, we both felt the fire, but nothing came of it. I came home and laid on the couch for a good 3 hours thinking. In the past, I was always the initiator. Today, like every day for months, I just didn't have the spunk. The old me would have been all over that. A great time would be had by all.
Instead, I choose to sit at home alone. Not having a great time. Hear that damn Cymbalta music constantly in my head! Feeling guilty about the failed day. Knowing I could have owned today. Same day like every other day for months.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Alzheimer's
I went to sit with Grandma today. I don't go to visit as often as I should, because I can't take seeing her in the state she's in. Complete lucidity doesn't come around for her anymore. She was able to get two complete thought out, "I so mixed up," and, "I'm scared."
Twice, she talked about "a man with a cane." There was no man there, but she seemed to be looking at someone. Could it just be a memory? a hallucination? an angel? God? Maybe it was all of the above.
For the first time, I'm seeing things from her point of view and it is very scary. It breaks my heart to no end. NO END.
Twice, she talked about "a man with a cane." There was no man there, but she seemed to be looking at someone. Could it just be a memory? a hallucination? an angel? God? Maybe it was all of the above.
For the first time, I'm seeing things from her point of view and it is very scary. It breaks my heart to no end. NO END.
Monday, February 15, 2010
The Struggle Continues
Well, It's been a couple weeks since I posted on here. It feels like forever. The job is going ok. Busy, busy, busy! If anyone wants to kid themselves, feel free to think that your to do list is too long when you're unemployed!
I'm thinking about doing the uber-man again. It has come back around again and again. There are still plenty of hoops to jump through before the switch can happen, like quit smoking. It's not gonna be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. Just takingg it one step at a time.
I even got out of the house and mingled with the drunken public at 3 bars downtown this weekend. A group of us from high school got together. It was great ... me and 4 girls! 4 guys, not counting me, came back to my friend's house with us. Only 1 got laid. I would have taken home a pair of guys, had my dancing not sucked! At least I got up and danced. Everyone had fun.
I'm thinking about doing the uber-man again. It has come back around again and again. There are still plenty of hoops to jump through before the switch can happen, like quit smoking. It's not gonna be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. Just takingg it one step at a time.
I even got out of the house and mingled with the drunken public at 3 bars downtown this weekend. A group of us from high school got together. It was great ... me and 4 girls! 4 guys, not counting me, came back to my friend's house with us. Only 1 got laid. I would have taken home a pair of guys, had my dancing not sucked! At least I got up and danced. Everyone had fun.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Employed!
Well, I got a call back today from that interview I did a month ago. I start tomorrow! Yay! I'm too thrilled. The money's right. The work environment is relaxed. I even know one of my coworkers! It's shaping up nicely.
There's a down side, as there always is. The position is contract, so no overtime or benefits and I'll pay taxes out of pocket. Also, I'll have to supply my own computer for work. (read: bring my laptop to work with me!) Plus, the route I'm currently taking has a lot of road construction.
OK, now for the positives. Contract work means I get 100% of my money! Watch out savings account, b/c daddy's bringing home more than double what unemployment's paying and you're getting the difference + the $25 a week I'm saving now! Money! Money! Money! Moooney! ... Mooonneey!
Did I go a little overboard on that one? Oh, my tax money's gonna gain interest too! Mooonneey! LMAO! House! Roadhouse! (That too.) Sorry, I'm just overjoyed about the job! And if you didn't get that last part, you've missed at least 2 hilarious episodes of Family Guy this season, JSYK!
Back to positives: I can bring some music with me on my laptop! And once the road construction is done, my route will run much smoother and have few red lights :) I love fewer red lights!
PS: Yes, I have been celebrating tonight!
There's a down side, as there always is. The position is contract, so no overtime or benefits and I'll pay taxes out of pocket. Also, I'll have to supply my own computer for work. (read: bring my laptop to work with me!) Plus, the route I'm currently taking has a lot of road construction.
OK, now for the positives. Contract work means I get 100% of my money! Watch out savings account, b/c daddy's bringing home more than double what unemployment's paying and you're getting the difference + the $25 a week I'm saving now! Money! Money! Money! Moooney! ... Mooonneey!
Did I go a little overboard on that one? Oh, my tax money's gonna gain interest too! Mooonneey! LMAO! House! Roadhouse! (That too.) Sorry, I'm just overjoyed about the job! And if you didn't get that last part, you've missed at least 2 hilarious episodes of Family Guy this season, JSYK!
Back to positives: I can bring some music with me on my laptop! And once the road construction is done, my route will run much smoother and have few red lights :) I love fewer red lights!
PS: Yes, I have been celebrating tonight!
Exercising: Stage 3, Week 1
I've been exercising on and off for the past 4 months. It's been a battle. The scale never seems to work in my favor. My stomach somehow looks worse when the scale does work in my favor! Why! Oh, Why!
A week ago, I finally realized that getting the muscular body I want is gonna happen in stages. Each stage will have a mini-goal and require me to change one habit, eating or exercising. The first two stage, I've already done:
Stage 1: Begin Exercising
Stage 2: Eat Healthier (2 Fruits & 3 Veggies Daily)
Stage 3: Building Muscle
I'm doing cardio and strength training 6 days a week. My eating habits will stay the same. (read: junk food is still unrestricted) Increasing my meat intake can be beneficial, but I won't worry if I don't. 6 weeks of exercising 6 days a week, starting 1/21. One Week Down!!!
My scale is in the closet. It can be a great de-motivator! Also, I am required to wear at least an A-shirt in front of the mirror. My belly looks worse since I started :( My arms are developing nicely though, so me posing in the mirror with a shirt is an awesome motivator...maybe I'll post y'all a pic.
Stage 4: Melting the Fat
Eating habits are the focus here. An optimal balance of Protein/Carbs/Fat/Salt must be found. Cardio & Strength Training will continue. More on this stage to come.
Stage 5: ?????
This stage, being a whole 2 stages out, I'm not so sure about. Maybe it'll be time to join a gym or get a bowflex? Que cera cera!
A week ago, I finally realized that getting the muscular body I want is gonna happen in stages. Each stage will have a mini-goal and require me to change one habit, eating or exercising. The first two stage, I've already done:
Stage 1: Begin Exercising
Stage 2: Eat Healthier (2 Fruits & 3 Veggies Daily)
Stage 3: Building Muscle
I'm doing cardio and strength training 6 days a week. My eating habits will stay the same. (read: junk food is still unrestricted) Increasing my meat intake can be beneficial, but I won't worry if I don't. 6 weeks of exercising 6 days a week, starting 1/21. One Week Down!!!
My scale is in the closet. It can be a great de-motivator! Also, I am required to wear at least an A-shirt in front of the mirror. My belly looks worse since I started :( My arms are developing nicely though, so me posing in the mirror with a shirt is an awesome motivator...maybe I'll post y'all a pic.
Stage 4: Melting the Fat
Eating habits are the focus here. An optimal balance of Protein/Carbs/Fat/Salt must be found. Cardio & Strength Training will continue. More on this stage to come.
Stage 5: ?????
This stage, being a whole 2 stages out, I'm not so sure about. Maybe it'll be time to join a gym or get a bowflex? Que cera cera!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Junk Mail
Today is junk mail day. If you combined it's dimensions down to regular sized paper, you'd get 20 sheets. Now take that and multiply by 20,000 residences. That's 400,000 sheets of paper a week. I am part of the less than one percent who do recycle. That means that 360,000+ sheets of paper wind up in the land fill. Why has no one stopped this?
In the year 2010, we have the internet, we have the telephone, we have the television, we have e-mail, but advertisers still rely on old methodologies that should be strictly banned! Why we still have the mail system is beyond me. Private enterprise has been shipping packages for thousands of years but the postal service has only been around for less than 200!
It was nice to have mail and post offices and things of such a nature and while these ideas will live on at the UPS store and FedEx/Kinkos, customer service will be much better. The entire experience of life will be much better. Imagine no postal carriers out on the road. No more mail boxes. No more muddy puddles in front of where the mail box used to be.
A more beautiful, kinder world. A place where fewer emissions make the air just a bit cleaner. A place where trees aren't massacred to help make someone rich. A place where going postal permanently denotes a bad thing.
In the year 2010, we have the internet, we have the telephone, we have the television, we have e-mail, but advertisers still rely on old methodologies that should be strictly banned! Why we still have the mail system is beyond me. Private enterprise has been shipping packages for thousands of years but the postal service has only been around for less than 200!
It was nice to have mail and post offices and things of such a nature and while these ideas will live on at the UPS store and FedEx/Kinkos, customer service will be much better. The entire experience of life will be much better. Imagine no postal carriers out on the road. No more mail boxes. No more muddy puddles in front of where the mail box used to be.
A more beautiful, kinder world. A place where fewer emissions make the air just a bit cleaner. A place where trees aren't massacred to help make someone rich. A place where going postal permanently denotes a bad thing.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Passion
This weekend, I had a discussion with a 15 year old about their passion in life. He didn't really understand the question, 'What are you passionate about?' After working with him for about 15 minutes, he finally got it.
It can be quite tricky to figure it out. You've got to strip away what everyone else wants for you. On top of that, the answer doesn't come to you in a split second like 1 + 1. The icing on the cake is that you learn about yourself through answering the question. Knowing what you like to do and are highly motivated to do helps give direction.
For me, I am passionate about efficiency. I love to make things simple and easy. That's why I became a computer programmer to help computers simple and easy. It also make me a little OCD, but not in the turn the lock 7 times or wash my hands for 147 times a day kind of way.
It can be quite tricky to figure it out. You've got to strip away what everyone else wants for you. On top of that, the answer doesn't come to you in a split second like 1 + 1. The icing on the cake is that you learn about yourself through answering the question. Knowing what you like to do and are highly motivated to do helps give direction.
For me, I am passionate about efficiency. I love to make things simple and easy. That's why I became a computer programmer to help computers simple and easy. It also make me a little OCD, but not in the turn the lock 7 times or wash my hands for 147 times a day kind of way.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Early Morning
Early morning has just begun
The day began for me at 1
My gaze passing from place to place
The day already too long
Out of the dark silence
2 miles away a train horn blows
A cigarette places itself in my lap
Put it up but my gaze returns
The ashtray alluringly singled out
Sweet nicotine cries the receptors
A third of a cigarette becons
With no release, I break
I start to grieve stopping at anger
Anger can be fuel for motivation
Anger can lead to depression
What is resolve? Can it be found?
Will the Lord allow me to find it?
Will I trust in the Lord to do as He sees fit?
The day began for me at 1
My gaze passing from place to place
The day already too long
Out of the dark silence
2 miles away a train horn blows
A cigarette places itself in my lap
Put it up but my gaze returns
The ashtray alluringly singled out
Sweet nicotine cries the receptors
A third of a cigarette becons
With no release, I break
I start to grieve stopping at anger
Anger can be fuel for motivation
Anger can lead to depression
What is resolve? Can it be found?
Will the Lord allow me to find it?
Will I trust in the Lord to do as He sees fit?
Monday, January 18, 2010
Distractions
I noticed today, that I have a lot of distractions. I'm watching TV on my computer, as well as playing cafe world. Even as I am typing this up, I've got cafe world running. Both of these are my go to distractions. I've got plenty more.
I have a lack of motivation and focus. Distractions are my worst enemy, but are treated like a welcome friend. Minimizing the distractions doesn't help either. That only makes it worse.
Embracing the distractions, on the other hand, will guilt me into doing what I need to do. For instance, if I get into the TV show, my mind says, "Wait! Don't you have something else to do?" Suddenly, the situation is reversed and the chore becomes the distraction.
Here is a partial list of all my distractions:
I have a lack of motivation and focus. Distractions are my worst enemy, but are treated like a welcome friend. Minimizing the distractions doesn't help either. That only makes it worse.
Embracing the distractions, on the other hand, will guilt me into doing what I need to do. For instance, if I get into the TV show, my mind says, "Wait! Don't you have something else to do?" Suddenly, the situation is reversed and the chore becomes the distraction.
Here is a partial list of all my distractions:
- TV
- Movie
- Cigarette
- Cafe World
- Surfing the Web
- Driving Around
- Nap
- Making Coffee
- Playing any strategy/puzzle game
- Making Myself Happy (If you catch my drift)
Friday, January 15, 2010
Chantix Round 3
They say the third time is the charm. I hope it's right. I'm quitting smoking with Chantix for the third time. I've got enough for 3 weeks. I'm starting Sunday. That means my quit date is Sunday next weekend.
I wish I had more. It may or may not be enough. I did have a prescription for it and I may use some of my savings to get another 4 weeks worth. I know it'll cost me, but it's worth it, if I can shave $3.30 1/2 off my daily expenses.
Next week is prep week. I am to only smoke half a cigarette at a time, outside. If I'm feeling somewhat depressed, I'll smoke in only my boxers.
I wish I had more. It may or may not be enough. I did have a prescription for it and I may use some of my savings to get another 4 weeks worth. I know it'll cost me, but it's worth it, if I can shave $3.30 1/2 off my daily expenses.
Next week is prep week. I am to only smoke half a cigarette at a time, outside. If I'm feeling somewhat depressed, I'll smoke in only my boxers.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Motivation
I've whittled down my to do list to a minimum and I'm back in the same rut. I've got a 8 task from yesterday and 3 are 2 days overdue(the restart day). These tasks are quite simple, mainly just requiring me to physically perform an action. Hardly any mental effort goes into them.
This lack of mental effort is part of what is holding me back. Music is a cheerful distraction and it is a daily task on my cleaning project.
Getting up off the couch can sometimes be a challenge. I'll sit on the couch until my hips or back aches. I've got my netbook on a TV tray right here in front of the couch. Plus, the couch is my bed, so most of my time is spent on the couch.
Well, I'm off to sleep. My schedule is jacked up again. This is the first night I've been up after 2 in a while though. I think I can correct it by waking up in 6 hours.
Night Night Interwebs. lol
This lack of mental effort is part of what is holding me back. Music is a cheerful distraction and it is a daily task on my cleaning project.
Getting up off the couch can sometimes be a challenge. I'll sit on the couch until my hips or back aches. I've got my netbook on a TV tray right here in front of the couch. Plus, the couch is my bed, so most of my time is spent on the couch.
Well, I'm off to sleep. My schedule is jacked up again. This is the first night I've been up after 2 in a while though. I think I can correct it by waking up in 6 hours.
Night Night Interwebs. lol
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
I'm back!
Each month, I go on a cycle. I get big hopes the first of the month. Those hopes sour when I cannot find motivation to complete the first week. Somewhere in the second week, I get up and start to dust myself off. I get back on track for all but the last 2-5 days of the month. The cycle repeats over and over and over.
Today, I dusted myself off. I'm so tired of this cycle. I've got to bust out next month. Even if I relapse in March, I pushed through Feb! That's something, isn't it? This month was especially bad due to a new year starting. It's like doubling the cycld.
Well, I'm not going to make big goals anymore. It's small, attainable, progressing goals that will lead me to where I want to be. I've revamped my to do list. I now have only 6 projects and will not let the number of tasks be more than 20 for any given day. I may add another project, but just one.
Today, I dusted myself off. I'm so tired of this cycle. I've got to bust out next month. Even if I relapse in March, I pushed through Feb! That's something, isn't it? This month was especially bad due to a new year starting. It's like doubling the cycld.
Well, I'm not going to make big goals anymore. It's small, attainable, progressing goals that will lead me to where I want to be. I've revamped my to do list. I now have only 6 projects and will not let the number of tasks be more than 20 for any given day. I may add another project, but just one.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The Interview Pt 2
The interview went well this morning. I showed up a minute late, but one of my interviewers hadn't arrived yet. Once he was in, we got started. It went fairly well, for everyone.
For the first time, I actually felt like I was at a two-sided interview. They were telling me about their business and asked questions of me. It was a very pleasant experience.
I was nervous, don't get me wrong. It did keep me on my toes, but having 2 people interview me at the same time was a touch confusing. I think that was a test of my multi-tasking skills, and I was able to keep pace and not let my confusion show.
Once again, it ended on the "We'll get back with you." All in all, it was promising. The pay is good. The hours are good. The people are nice. The atmosphere is relaxed.
I really hope I get the job. It would be an awesome beginning to a brand new decade!
For the first time, I actually felt like I was at a two-sided interview. They were telling me about their business and asked questions of me. It was a very pleasant experience.
I was nervous, don't get me wrong. It did keep me on my toes, but having 2 people interview me at the same time was a touch confusing. I think that was a test of my multi-tasking skills, and I was able to keep pace and not let my confusion show.
Once again, it ended on the "We'll get back with you." All in all, it was promising. The pay is good. The hours are good. The people are nice. The atmosphere is relaxed.
I really hope I get the job. It would be an awesome beginning to a brand new decade!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The Interview
I've got an interview tomorrow morning. It's kind of scary. It's just nerves. I waited all day yesterday in anticipation of going up there this morning, but they called to reschedule.
I still have to wash & dry a shirt to wear; everything else is set to go. I've got this nice wool coat I bought late fall '08 to wear. It is uber-warm and I look fabulous in it. Even got my listerine spray in the car, so I can smoke on my way over there.
I usually do well on interviews. I'm always nervous, but nervousness can help in critical situations like that, so long as you don't let it control you. That rush of adrenaline keeps me alert and on task.
I love when they present real world problems, so I can showcase the speed and thoroughness of my problem solving skills. That's my best asset. I can't stand those open ended questions like, 'If you were an animal, what would you be?' My brain doesn't process stuff like that quickly.
I hope they pay well. If they don't, I'm still taking the job, but will "continue actively seeking employment". I'll decide when to tell them that if I ever need to cross that bridge. OK, I think that's all the bases.
At any rate, I'm sure I'll do well and get the job, but keep your fingers cross for me, just in case. I'll post what happened as soon as I get a chance, probably by noon.
I still have to wash & dry a shirt to wear; everything else is set to go. I've got this nice wool coat I bought late fall '08 to wear. It is uber-warm and I look fabulous in it. Even got my listerine spray in the car, so I can smoke on my way over there.
I usually do well on interviews. I'm always nervous, but nervousness can help in critical situations like that, so long as you don't let it control you. That rush of adrenaline keeps me alert and on task.
I love when they present real world problems, so I can showcase the speed and thoroughness of my problem solving skills. That's my best asset. I can't stand those open ended questions like, 'If you were an animal, what would you be?' My brain doesn't process stuff like that quickly.
I hope they pay well. If they don't, I'm still taking the job, but will "continue actively seeking employment". I'll decide when to tell them that if I ever need to cross that bridge. OK, I think that's all the bases.
At any rate, I'm sure I'll do well and get the job, but keep your fingers cross for me, just in case. I'll post what happened as soon as I get a chance, probably by noon.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Welcome 2010!
I've completely reworked my todo list for the new year. I've got a total of 13 goals for this year. If I accomplish half of them, I'll be in a far better position for '11. The usual suspects are on the list: diet, exercise, savings, zero debt, making more money, and reading. My more personal goals are: remaking my wardrobe, taking back up french, learning more songs on guitar, and "stretching" a certain part of my anatomy to add another inch to it (Yes, if done properly, this does work and adds an inch over a year).
Today, I had 26 things to do and am down to 19 already. I am making use of my new dryer that I got as a belated Christmas present. Well, I will be using it in another 30 minutes when the washers done.
I did have no smoking on my to do list, but I was bad and have had 2 cigarettes since midnight. I didn't destroy my cigarettes from last night and still have 1 left. The urge is much easier to resist if I actually have to take a shower, get dressed and go to the store, so I'll try again once I finish this last cigarette.
Today, I had 26 things to do and am down to 19 already. I am making use of my new dryer that I got as a belated Christmas present. Well, I will be using it in another 30 minutes when the washers done.
I did have no smoking on my to do list, but I was bad and have had 2 cigarettes since midnight. I didn't destroy my cigarettes from last night and still have 1 left. The urge is much easier to resist if I actually have to take a shower, get dressed and go to the store, so I'll try again once I finish this last cigarette.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)