Motherly Resentment

Today I remembered that my mother told me when I was young a gay man is a man who has a wife and children and then leaves them. Instantly the thought buried itself again, but it was too late. Parts of my consciousness had become aware of this fact and gears began to turn.

This was right about the same time I keep tracing certain things back to. A time when I attributed my brother's failure in college to my success in computers. A time when the isolation started. A time when straight As when to Bs & Cs & Fs. The first time when I dated a girl...OMG! Yes, a time when I stopped being myself.

I allowed, probably even wanted, my mother's definitions to define me. When I told her that, I may have wanted to know her reaction to me coming out to her and it shoved me way back in the closet. No one can say for certain. All I know now is I do not know myself very well. The more I learn, the less I feel I know.

Today, I realized that I lost out on the last 20+ years of my life because of one thing my mother said to me when I was 8 or 9. I have been acting as if I hold her responsible and I do feel as though she's responsible for all the failing in my life because I was not allowed to be me.