Holiday

It's a holiday weekend and guess what? I've got 3 days off in a row. The best part of all of this is my boyfriend has to work every day! I have greatly enjoyed our Saturday hikes recently and am slightly perturbed that we are not doing anything much this weekend.

On top of that, he is working with this bitch that just brings everyone down. That negativity comes home to me and puts up stupid un-needed barriers between us. It took over 4 hours for us to settle last night. The residue is still there this morning :(

I thought about going up there and telling him to chill out because all of his energy is affecting everyone there and everyone they come into contact with for at least a few hours. I didn't out of respect for my boyfriend, but I am not going to put up with this much longer...nor is my boyfriend.

It makes me think about Oprah's final show. One thing that really hit home with me was the quote "You are responsible for the energy you bring into this space." The bitch is not following this rule, but I am certain that he does not know how to be happy and send out good energy in the first place.

At any rate, I'm not sure how I am going to resolve this issue. I want my boyfriend to just quit, but I'm not going to ask him to do that. I want to get this bitch to be happy, but I'm not sure what's wrong with him in the first place. I want to get the bitch to not work there anymore, fired or quit both fit the bill.

Deep down, what I really want is for my boyfriend to be in a good mood when he comes home. It is difficult to let all the stress and thoughts of work go. Many days, I can dissipate the negative on my 30-45 minute mainly interstate commute. My boyfriend's commute is only 10 minutes and all surface streets, so it is probably difficult for him to cast away all the crap.

I pray that a solution is found and found quickly, because our relationship needs an injection of happiness from both of us. I'm not sure when that's gonna happen :(

Motherly Resentment

Today I remembered that my mother told me when I was young a gay man is a man who has a wife and children and then leaves them. Instantly the thought buried itself again, but it was too late. Parts of my consciousness had become aware of this fact and gears began to turn.

This was right about the same time I keep tracing certain things back to. A time when I attributed my brother's failure in college to my success in computers. A time when the isolation started. A time when straight As when to Bs & Cs & Fs. The first time when I dated a girl...OMG! Yes, a time when I stopped being myself.

I allowed, probably even wanted, my mother's definitions to define me. When I told her that, I may have wanted to know her reaction to me coming out to her and it shoved me way back in the closet. No one can say for certain. All I know now is I do not know myself very well. The more I learn, the less I feel I know.

Today, I realized that I lost out on the last 20+ years of my life because of one thing my mother said to me when I was 8 or 9. I have been acting as if I hold her responsible and I do feel as though she's responsible for all the failing in my life because I was not allowed to be me.

Happy New Years

Tonight, I was in the bathroom, poised and ready. The knife was in my hand. I had had enough! As I moved the knife over to my wrist, I started shaking. "Do it!" kept coming out of my mouth. And to think, I was happy just 2 weeks ago.

It all started when a small group of us went to the gay bar downtown. We had an awesome time! An old friend from high school was up there, who we all knew. He introduced me to a guy and that's when this suicide snowball started rolling.

We seen each other on 3 occasions since then. The first two times were great, but the third didn't go so well. He was drunk and flirting with all the guys (myself included). Not cool. I got jealous, but don't let it show in a good way and things turned from not good to bad.

Whose fault was it? Both of ours. I should have planted a big wet kiss on him as we said goodbye that night, but I was just too angry to see that's what needed to happen.

On top of that, my best friend left for CO yesterday, a family members house was burglarized Wednesday (uber-scary), and my friend in SC is giving me bad advice all around.

So, I was standing there with the knife perpendicular to my wrist. I could see my blood pressure sky rocket as the veins pulsed. I became almost light-headed, my blood about to boil over with rage. I took a look in the mirror and my rage melted into tears.

At that moment, I realized that I had become exactly what I hated. I was being atrociously selfish. It's gonna be a long, arduous, and sad road, but I'm not giving up.

Fear of Anarchy

While watching one of my favorite shows, Desperate Housewives, I had a bit of an anxiety attack. There was a riot on Wisteria Ln and it was really chaotic. Thanks to our friend foreshadowing, I consciously knew it was coming, so I was able to keep it minimum.

It reminded me of my first day of kindergarten. Peering through the doorway, I saw pure chaos and begged my mom to take me with her to work. Luckily for mom, my cousin was in the same class. She took my hand and pulled me into the abyss.

Kindergarten was very different from the first school I attended. It was a religious pre-k. Everything was very ordered. I hated it. The problem was the formal curriculum. It was just a repeat of what I already knew.

That first day of kindergarten, I figured if the school where everyone was sitting and orderly didn't teach me anything how could the opposite teach me?

I wasn't seeing the whole situation. I only saw the chaos. I didn't see the smiles on these kids faces. Obviously, it wasn't too chaotic for my mom to leave me there. Plus, I did have a good time once my anxiety passed.

Sleeping with the ex- ... again

The ex-girlfriend I slept with in December, who I'll refer to a E, has grown to be my friend once again. I thought for sure once E had moved an hour away she'd be somewhat out of my hair, but I was so wrong. Recently E came down for a visit, invited one of her buddies over and before I knew it, E was finger-cuffed.

Being bisexual, the addition of another guy really turns me on, even if I can only look. E knew this from the start and that's why she invited the other guy to come over. I don't hold it against her, because I did have a good time. Needless to say, this has happened again and again.

From these activities, I have netted some alone time with two guys and have other prospects. I think for most guys it's about getting past the need to define sexuality. Seeing another guy naked and sharing a women with him are excellent at breaking down that barrier. I'm quite surprised I hadn't thought of this earlier.

The Procrastinating Rebel

A couple weeks ago, I read that procrastination is a form of rebellion by way of avoidance. I was shocked at this! My brain was buzzing with activity. Eventually I got to the thought, 'I must harbor some resentment, anger, contempt, etc. for some one and/or some state and/or some action.' Since then, I have noticed more than a few of my procrastination triggers.
#1 Trigger: My Boss

Every bad boss (so few are good) I've ever had has been horribly ill-equipped to perform my job and don't know how to communicate properly. Either of these attributes make me procrastinate at work.

My favorite job was waiting tables at IHOP. Sure, I smelled of syrup after 10 hours and 2 showers, but my boss was the best. She could do every bit of work in that restaurant from serving to cooking to management stuff to rowdy club crowds. Plus, when it's busy (or dead) it's time to go home already!?!

The simplest solution is to not have a boss, but be my own boss. A better solution is to get into management. The best solution would be to win the lottery, only problem is I don't play.

Distractions vs. Triggers

Triggers cause the procrastination. These shouldn't be confused with a distraction, which is what I call the action performed while procrastinating another action. I've got tons for distractions:

• TV
• Facebook
• Delicious
• Slashdot
• Food
• Cigarettes
• Playing with the cat
• Driving the car

The list goes on and on. None of these, by themselves, cause procrastination.
When a trigger combines with a distraction, motivation for procrastinating does increase a bit. That means avoiding distractions helps, but only a bit.

Discovering and avoiding triggers is the better way, in my opinion. It's helped me to learn about myself and why I do the things I do. It's a long and arduous journey, but it's definitely worth it.

Flexible Plans

Every night, before bed, I run through what I have to do the next day. I used to played the whole day out. Wake up at a certain time, exercise at a certain time, eat at certain times. It worked very well, and most days I can get a lot done. When one thing had to be pushed, the whole day was off and I did not get anything done.

The problem was putting it on a time line, so I changed it up. I now visualize myself just doing, and finishing, the different tasks, putting as few time constraints as possible. For instance, I can exercise at any time, but the water bill has to be paid during the day. The ´day´ visuals don´t include the sun or shadows, but does include day time light.

Tasks are ordered by priority in my run through. This prevents my unconscious from automatically assigning a time line. Plus, if I decide to do the visualizations a second time and fall asleep in the middle, only the more important tasks get repeated.

Doing this every night can and will improve your performance. Remember to keep it positive and do not visualize anything bad, i.e. no lines at the store/bank/office. We all do make our own reality. Why not weave some of the fabric of tomorrow, today?